Putting the D in the P: Last Night(ish) on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 7)

Putting the D in the P: Last Night(ish) on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 7)

Well, blow me down! If you hadn’t guessed from my general air of disdain throughout this entire series, I was pretty much done with Death in Paradise. I was all ready to come out at the end of the series, and put in my prediction that it would be cancelled – which was kinda a statement fuelled by anger, as DiP still gets ratings out the wazoo (8 million for Episode One). That’s a lot of peepers glued to the screen. I can’t even get 10 people to view my YouTube channel where I review cemeteries. You want to earn an extra star on my review for your cemetery, you make sure to have facilities (dead people don’t have to poop, but I do something about cemeteries makes me want to poop)

Then we got episode 7, and it’s possibly the best episode of Death in Paradise I’ve seen. Now I’ve gotta weight that statement with some clarification – it’s the best episode of Death in Paradise I’ve seen, a series that has a lower mark of quality than any other show out there. It’s a great episode, but that doesn’t mean there’s still some problems. But let’s not focus on the negative (first time I’ve ever said that in this blog) the murder mystery is (at least at the outset) entertaining, every member of the investigation team gets their moment in the spotlight (yes, this is one of the episodes where it isn’t just Jack Mooney and three servants) and the direction in particular is fantastic. This was directed excellently by Sarah Walker, who actually put thought into stuff like shot composition, use of colour and screen real estate. Basically it felt like this episode actually had a director, and it wasn’t just cobbled together by the actors and the producers.

Episode 7 was so good I’m gonna find it hard to tear it apart in this post. But I’m afraid I’m bound by my station. So let’s start Putting the D in the P! (You know the deal by now, I make up my own title yada yada yada)!

Series 7 Episode 7 – Open and Shut

An old man with a beard notices some kind of kerfuffle going on up at his neighbour’s house so he calls the police. Dwayne and JP rock up and do some actual police work! Beard’s neighbour has been murdered and the perp is still in the house! Dwayne busts the door down and JP gives chase. He slams into the perp and recognises him as an old school bully of his, Cordell Thomas. Unfortunately the recollection (much like Mooney’s mini-strokes epiphanies) stuns JP and Cordell gets away. But it doesn’t matter much. JP knows exactly who did it. Case closed. That one was easy! Oh…wait…there’s another fifty two minutes in this episode….SHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT. SMASH CUT TO TITLES!

Florence rocks up and sees that Mooney has gone night fishing (you know, cos he’s always talking about how he likes night fishing). He’s caught a fish too but there’s no time to put it anywhere. There’s a murder to get to! Dwayne explains that it looks like a robbery gone tits up, because Cordell dropped a backpack full of jewellery when JP slammed him. The victim is Eugene Jones, who seemed to have a tussle with Cordell, and got hit by an ornament and then famously died. Mooney sees that Eugene is clutching a peanut! (which is a very weird weird clue indeed, specially as Eugene don’t have no nuts!)

Mooney and Florence go back to the station to find Cordell Thomas there waiting for them! He knows he’s in the shit so thought he’d turn himself in to save everyone some trouble. Put the kettle on, it’s all over. And faster than usual. Wait, theres forty nine minutes left. FFFFFUUUUCCCKKK. Cordell explains he’s been working for Eugene for yonks, making deliveries. He saw all the jewels, which Cordell knew were already stolen. Cordell wanted the jewels for himself, so was gonna burgle Eugene. And Cordell bopped him on the head with the ornament. Seems open and shut, but Mooney’s still hung up on that damn peanut.

Dwayne and JP go to tell Eugene’s sis that she has one less person to buy Christmas presents for this year, and she’s obviously upset (she hasn’t thought of the savings yet!) but she ain’t surprised it looks like Cordell killed him. Also, it’s Dwayne’s birthday I guess. JP isn’t very happy that Mooney is being very anal about the peanut. JP thinks it should be case closed, because he knows what an arsehole Cordell is. Mooney thinks Cordell didn’t do it and Cordell is covering for someone.

Dwayne and JP go to the Thomas place and meet a cleaner (who’s totes obviously gonna be important) while Mooney and Florence go looking into the stolen jewels. The cleaner, Marie, thinks Cordell’s a decent bloke (maybe he’s changed since JP knew him at school). The jewels belonged to a Charlie Blake, a local mucky Brit whose in crime up to his tits. Charlie seems happy that his jewels have been found, but Mooney thinks it’s a hell of a motive. Maybe Charlie found out Eugene had the jewels and killed him until he was dead. Charlie has no alibi.

Dwayne’s looking forward to a birthday dinner with Darlene, while JP goes and has some character development with Cordell. Cordell claims to have never known Charlie. But it might not matter – Cordell’s fingerprints are on the ornament, and the time of death lines up. Florence gets a key to a lockup Eugene rented. Eugene and his sis were seen to be having an argument there last night and some paperwork Mooney finds means the argument was probably about Eugene selling the cafe Eugene’s sis runs. What a MOTIVE!! And she don’t have no alibi either!

It’s very important to have an alibi. I have plenty of alibis down at my local charity shop where now I’m £££££££££££$$$$$$$%%%%%%%%&&&&&*******LISTEN TO ME NOW PLEASE. WE DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME. I AM NOT HIM. I AM NOT HIM. I WORK AT NORTH FERN. TELL OUR SUPERIORS THAT THE CHARITY SHOP INITIATIVE HAS FAILED. SUBJECT HAS NOT RECALLED THE INFORMATION WE DESIRED. THE LOOP WILL BE RESET BUT HE WON’T LAST ANOTHER FULL CYCLE. I REPEAT, THE CHARITY SHOP INITIATIVE HAS FAILED******^^^^$$$$$$$£££££ If you want one of those hot items, you email me at IWannaPlayHooperWithJP@aol.net. If you want…wait what was I talking about? Oh yeah, I’m gonna start working at a charity shop as part of my community service (because they couldn’t find where I buried my wife) The potential for about a series’s worth of misadventure is rife, so I’ll have my first check-in next week!

Anyway, back to the episode, there’s nothing to link Cordell to either of the other two suspects, so why would Cordell cover for them? There’s talk of a phone Cordell used and then subsequently dumped (a burner). Florence has an EPIPHANY! Cordell had a takeaway coffee when he got to the station to turn himself in, so maybe the phone was dumped near there. And turns out she’s right, after some garbage dipping, they come up with a phone! Dwayne goes to his birthday dinner, and gets the wrath of Darlene when she finds out his colleagues are still working. Dwayne gets back to work, his dinner on hold, while JP interviews the neighbour again (Mr Beard – Samuel Palmer). He’s a nice beard, and definitely didn’t do it. JP gets an EPIPHANY too. It’s going round. Cordell has changed – he met a girl!

Cordell’s phone shows one last call just before he turned himself in. And you bet it’s to that lass! The cleaner, Marie! But Marie is at the station when they get back. Cordell was covering for Marie, because he luuuuvvvvs her and she’s pregnant. Marie went to see Eugene to deliver 10,000 smackers from a previous job and to say that she wasn’t going to sell the jewels either because Charlie Blake was onto her, and accidentally killed Eugene. Then Cordell covered it up by bopping the already dead Eugene on the head with the ornament. There we go! Case closed. And a bit earlier than…wait there’s still 12 minutes left in the… SHHHITTFFFFUCCCCKKK. I mean there is the problem of the missing 10k so fair doesss.

But it’s okay cos Mooney has an EPIPHANY of his own. And after he’s changed his pants (he got some Epiphany goo in there) they round up the suspects for an Inception-style crime within a crime within a crime. The murderer is Samuel Palmer! And Samuel has scarpered, while Mooney was adhering to the formula. You see Marie thought she had killed Eugene, but she hadn’t. Samuel went in the house, found a jar of peanuts with the 10k, and was there when Eugene woke dazed. Samuel had to kill him. Then Cordell comes to take the blame, not knowing that the scene he finds is not Marie’s doing, but Samuel’s. MIND BLOWN.

TAKE HIM AWAY! Oh wait, Samuel has fucked off so I guess we’ve got a killer on the loose. Oh well, Mooney and Florence have barbecued fish for tea, JP and Cordell reconcile and have a beer together. And Dwayne finally gets his birthday dinner. But it’s interrupted by a cliffhanger that makes no sense! Dwayne’s dad comes in and that’s a…good way to end this…someone thought. Isn’t Dwayne at Darlene’s? How does Dwayne’s dad know where Darlene lives. Ah, fuck it, who cares.

Up Next: This fucking thing ends and I get my life back!


Putting the D in the P – Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 6)

Putting the D in the P – Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 6)

Yo! It’s episode six of series seven, and hot cheese, it keeps on going! Just inside info here, the preambles are probably the hardest thing to write in this series of articles, because I have literally nothing to play off. And this series of Death in Paradise really hasn’t given me much to go on. It should have been an (at least) semi-exciting series with a new detective, but literally all I can say about it, is that it is continuing.

It continues to exist.

So yeah, preamble done. (And nailed, if I do say so myself)

It’s time to be Putting the D in the P, to the power of 706! (Own title blah blah)! Let’s go!

Series 7 Episode 6 – Death and Relaxation

Hey! We’re doing some relaxing this episode, at at a relaxation retreat! There’s pottery, therapy, meditation, robes, green tea and most importantly a gong! Some guys are going out onto the grass for a meditation session – Cressida Friend is conducting (?) the sesh and Gabe Lee, Eva Ingram, and William Byrn are ready to chillax! (The kids tell me that that’s chilling a nd relaxing at the same time.) But Daniel Friend, the owner of this fine relaxatorium, is too cool for school – he’s off for a swim! When the meditation’s over, Cressida and Gabe go for some walkies and find Daniel collapsed! Gabs (my laptop keeps auto-correcting Gabe to Gabs, so I’m gonna roll with it) rushes over and confirms Daniel’s dead!!! SMASH CUT TO TITLES!!

Back, somewhere else on the island, Mooney is to give a speech for the Commish who’s about to get an award for like Commish of the Year or something. Trouble is, Mooney doesn’t know diddly-squat about the Commish. Seems like no one does – he’s an enigma! (I just summed up the multiple scenes of that entire sub-plot in two sentences, so…)

Anyways, Mooney can’t sit around for ever, we’ve got a murder to solve! At the retreat, Mooney and the team get to grips with the case. The retreat seems to be all relaxxy – they’re not even allowed to use mobile phones, and definitely not the Tweeters. It looks like Daniel has been strangled with one of the belts from the retreat uniforms. What’s more, there’s one belt missing from the laundry! The only other interesting thing is that under Daniel’s body, there’s a key – that seems to be for some kind of lockbox!

In the hunt for stuff to pad out this episode, JP and Dwayne start to read the literature of the retreat. What’s that I hear? Sounds like it’s time for another DWAYNE AND JP WACKY SUB-PLOT TM. JP thinks all you need to get what you want, is to visualise it. Positive thinking and all that, you know. You gotta remain positive, see. Like I did when I was working at my charity shop. But now I don’t work there, because I run the whole thing! That’s right, I was so good at managing my local charity shop, they put me in charge of the whole company! I’ve fired all the staff of everywhere, so I’m looking for some new staff. You wanna be the manager of the Hull shop? Hull was voted the worst city in the UK for five years running, so you wouldn’t have to put in much effort. You wanna run the Oxford shop? Oxford’s all brainy and stuff, so you might get loads of books. You wanna go run the Isle of Man shop? My assistant tells me people actually live there! You wanna run any of these shops, all you have to do is email me at TwoJPHoopersAndImJustWatching@aol.net. These shops are gonna go fast, so do the emails, and send those emails to me NOW!!

Anyhoo, the search turns up no belt, but it does turn up some notes in Daniel’s room. But the notes aren’t his. They’re William Bryn’s. See, William Bryn was looking to write an expose on Daniel, because, I dunno, relaxation doesn’t exist or something. Anyways, Daniel found out and I guess that’s a motive.

Let’s turn our attention to Gabe. Looks like Gabe had taken an extended sabbatical after some douchey boyfriend drove his twin sister to suicide. Gabe was doing some confrontation therapy with Daniel – which is like relaxation therapy but with more punching and loud noises. Gabe went off to a bar in a strop, and promised to kill Daniel. So I guess it wasn’t him (because that’s too obvious) Now onto Cressida (if you think reading this is rather dry, imagine watching it). Looks like Daniel was a little rough. And by a little I mean he broke one of Cressida’s ribs in a fight! That sounds like another motive!

Back at the station, the Commish’s speech is going terribly and who wants to sit around and write a speech when there’s a murder to solve! Especially because it looks like Daniel Friend only came into existence 3 years ago. Which means he had another identity before! Before he was Michael Bennett! And we know that, because Dwayne and JP visualise finding the lockbox and they do (yes this is really primetime on BBC One)

So Daniel/Michael actually wasn’t on the way for a swim, he was on the way to retrieve the lockbox. Because he was fucking off. Someone had rumbled him, and that someone waaaaasssssss…Eva Ingram! Who used to run a business with Michael Bennett, and got short changed by him! Eva was at the retreat to get her money back, but Michael had other ideas and went to skedaddle. That seems like a motive too, I guess.

So this rather thin investigation is all ready to be wrapped up. Mooney has nothing for the Commish awards and he is forced to make up a speech as he goes along. Make…up…as…he…goes…along. As Mooney sits down after the speech, he has a seizure orgasm EPIPHANY!

Rounding the suspects up, Mooney knows who killed Danny-boy forward slash Michael. And JIMINY CRACKERS it was Gabe!!!! So that boyfriend who fucked Gabe’s sister around, which led her to suicide? That was Michael Bennett! So Gabe came to Saint Marie, to dish out some justice. He knew Daniel forward slash Michael’s schedule so put a strong sedative in his tea just before he was due to go swimming. Trouble was, Daniel wasn’t going swimming, he was going to get his box to scarper! So Gabe and Cressida found Daniel collapsed and Gabe had to improvise, killing him when he was alone with Dan, with his belt. Jeez Louise! Okay, TAKE HIM AWAY!!!

Equilibrium is restored, and there’s not much to wrap up. Dwayne and JP finally realise that all the visualisation stuff is bullshit and the Commish liked Mooney’s impromptu speech! Happy days!

Overall, this is just going to be another episode that will be forgotten. Nothing of note really happened. And at this point, I’m starting to think that that is the way the show runner likes it. I’ve noticed a distinct lack of Robert Thorogood writing credits this series, and I don’t want to admit it, but there’s been a real decline because of it. We’ve got two episodes left, and I hope the last one at least is penned by Robert. Let’s end Series 7 in a surprising way – with a good episode.

UP NEXT – Someone dies, there are four (maybe five) suspects – all of which have a motive, there’s a weird clue, there’s an epiphany, and there’s a wrap-up.

Putting the D in the P: Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 5)

Putting the D in the P: Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 5)

It’s time for another hot Death in Paradise and so far, ain’t Season 7 kinda been a drag? It’s actually really depressing to me. It just feels there is a lot of fatigue around the very obvious formula of the series, and although it’s always been like this (for 7 bloody seasons) I’ve never really felt it as hard as I do now. I don’t know about ratings and stuff like that (that would take research) but I wouldn’t be surprised if there has been some kind of decline. Which is kinda sad, because I think Ardol O’Hanlon had the potential to be the most interesting character the series had ever had and in my opinion (because if you haven’t figured yet, this entire series is opinion) he has been totally misused.

It’s basically like Peter Capaldi in Doctor Who. He could have been my favourite doctor but the stories and events that unfolded were (not objectively terrible but) fundamentally mis-managed. That’s exactly what’s happening with DI Mooney.

It’s not just Death in Paradise, I also think that this season of Silent Witness had been one of the worst in recent memory. Just like DiPSW had an extremely interesting end of the last series, and the start of the new series has entirely failed to capitalise on it at all (if you watch SW I’m referring to Nikki being buried alive in Mexico and Jack’s incredible helplessness in being unable to save her) Yes there’s echoes of interesting stuff, but it seems like it wants to wrap it up straight away. Hey, wait a sec, just like Mooney’s daughter fucking off straight away.

Because I’m getting very bored of both, it’s entirely possible it’s just me. And I’m just foreseeing the comments that I might be getting tired of Death in Paradise because I over-analyse every episode, yeah that’s valid. That being said, don’t comment that. But the fact remains I’m coming to these things with a fucking sigh, whereas last series (where I wrote exactly the same accompanying articles) I was coming to them with a smile.

Oh well, at least Inside No. 9 is fucking fantastic still.

Let’s go! Number 5! Make my own titles up (you know the deal by now!)! It’s time to start Putting the D in the P!


Series 7 Episode 5 – A Charitable Cause

Hey! Saint Marie! And its Day of the Dead! All the members of the team are joining in the celebrations, and having a grand old time! Elsewhere however things aren’t so peachy. Finn Anderson has just seen his wife Daisy Anderson off. She’s on her way to a Charity Auction at the Yacht Club, an auction in which regular guest stars, the Commish, and Katherine, are in attendance. Finn’s too cool for school though, and instead makes his way to the Day of the Dead festival getting a drink at one of the bars. Soon though Finn receives a terrible answering phone message of Daisy talking to someone who seems to be murdering her. He finds Mooney and Co. and gets them on the case! SMASH CUT TO TITLES!

Mooney and Co. listen to the voicemail and hot tail it over to the Yacht Club. No one there saw Daisy there, but Daisy’s cars parked out front. The Commish offers his services and soon finds Daisy’s body by a cliff looking out to sea. It’s obvious she’s been stabbaroo’d and there’s nothing much else interesting going on here. Apart from the WEIRD CLUE OF THE WEEK TM – a yellow butterfly that the Commish says should be in hibernation this time of year.

No one of the arbitrary list of suspects, Hugh Davenport (the head of the club), Charlotte Hamilton (the treasurer) and Finn Anderson (hubby) can’t think of any reason anyone would want to kill Daisy, who was the head of the charity commission at the Club and was well liked. After a fruitless conversation, JP searches Daisy’s car and finds an expensive bracelet shoved into the back of the glovebox. Weird!

Mooney wonders about Finn. He jumped to the conclusion that the voicemail message meant murder very quickly, even though the voicemail only had Daisy begging with a person who supposedly had a knife. That wouldn’t automatically mean she’s dead. Mooney wonders why Finn would think that straight off. Finn has no motive so far, he’s a game designer who sold his game for 7 million dollars, so money isn’t an issue. But Finn does seem to have a spot of blood on his shirt (in an abnormal scene that shows the audience something that the team don’t)

Harry the CGI lizard is sick – he’s not moving, he’s been turned into a model of a frog (which is cheaper budget-wise) Yeah he’s not moving at all, not even drinking water. He’s definitely SICK! SICK? SICK! Just like the deals down at my local charity shop. I got so good at selling the kiddy’s toys, and the ceramics, and the DVDs, now they’ve put me in charge of the whole store! So now I can sell whatever I like! I think you’re gonna really like some of the stuff I sell now. You want a partially chewed Findus lasagne? Come on down to my second-hand food section! You want petrol? We got tons of fucking gasoline in our car go-go section! You want a garage door? We got a great selection in our Things That Are Used To Keep Things In section! You want any of these hot products, you just email me at PaintMeLikeOneOfYourJPHoopers@aol.net. But be quick, these hot products are gonna go fast fast fast!!

That expensive bracelet that was in Daisy’s glovebox? Adam Warner gave it to her. Adam Warner is the Club surf instructor, and also a total beefcake. He was having an affair with Daisy, but when he gave her the bracelet, she was like ‘this gettin too real for men’ and fucks off. Adam really liked her so would never kill her. OR WOULD HE?????……No he’s not the murderer.

Time to throw some shade at Hugh Davenport, who through some CCTV, was shown to be attempting to blackmail Daisy because he found out about Daisy’s affair. It looks like he may want some sexy sexy sex favours. You heard the phrase Fight Fire With Fire? Well, Davenport wants to Fight Affair with Affair. He’s a scumbag, but he would never kill Daisy, right?

Back to Finn, who seems to be guilty as sin. Finn and Daisy were going through a rough patch. Daisy told Finn about the affair. And what’s more Daisy told Finn she wanted a divorce! And they argue about it.

At Katherine’s bar, Mooney asks Katherine about the auction. She said no one inside including Davenport, Charlotte Hamilton, and Beefcake Airways left the auction when Daisy was supposedly killed. So they all have alibis. She also tells Mooney that Daisy was at the bar a few days ago with some official looking papers and looking troubled. She was looking for a charity called Project Saint Marie, a charity that turns out to be a way to siphon money from the club. And the one responsible for the siphoning? Charlotte Hamilton!

Charlotte wanted money, lots and lots o’ money, and she thought no one would notice. But when Daisy as the new head of Charity stuck her nose in, Catherine got found out! Seems like a hell of a motive, ey?

Dwayne is still with his new girlfriend, Darlene, but she’s looking after her niece, Elise, and Dwayne thinks that kids are shit and hates spending time with her. But in a scene that actually has a nice amount of emotional depth, Dwayne is forced to tell Elise a bedtime story, and slowly realises that he enjoys looking after her. Elise is having nightmares and Dwayne tells her to draw the monsters she’s seeing.

The next morning, Darlene shows Dwayne what Elise drew – it’s a crude but obvious picture of Finn with a knife threatening Daisy. Elise actually saw what happened and that’s why she’s having nightmares. So Finn was at the Festival of the Dead with a knife, going to stab Daisy. But how did Finn get Daisy’s body from the centre of town to the yacht club without anyone seeing?

Mooney gets a phonecall from the vets (oh yeah, he took Harry to the vets I guess) to hear that Harry’s on the mend!! He was near death, but he still soldiered on. And that triggers the EPIPHANY!! (And some pretty good funny faces from Mooney) He knows the who and the what and the why.

At the final reveal, Mooney reveals all! And HOLEY MOLEY it was Charlotte and Finn. Finn went to kill Daisy in the centre of town but bottled it at the last moment. Daisy got hold of the knife and ran…to Charlotte’s place. Charlotte seized the opportunity to silence Daisy about the charity stuff by killing her, but first recorded a voice memo of Daisy pleading with her.

Charlotte got some tarpaulin and wrapped Daisy up, and made her way over to Finn’s. She blackmailed Finn (for that GREEN doe!!) and took Daisy’s car to dump the body by the yacht club. In the tarpaulin, a butterfly who had crawled under it to die and ended up sticking to Daisy’s flowers on her dress. Finn played his part, Charlotte calling him with the voice memo and Finn letting it go to voicemail. Charlotte and Finn now have alibis…except that they don’t cos Mooney sussed them out by having a stroke epiphany. TAKE THEM AWAY!

Well it seems that everything has worked out for the best apart from the dead nice kind young woman and Harry has returned home. The vets have cured his model-itis, and he’s back to being good ol’ CGI again. Supers. The episode ends with Mooney declaring he’s starting to feel at home on Saint Marie! Very nice.

This episode was fine. There were actually some neat moments, and was it just me or was the music out of control in this episode? In a wacky way that I can kinda get behind. The stuff with Dwayne was actually a neat sub-plot, with some genuine depth, and it was nice to see a sub-plot feed into the main narrative for a change. Overall, not great, but not bad.

UP NEXT: A murder occurs on Saint-Marie.

Putting the D in the P: Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 4)

Putting the D in the P: Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 4)

Wow, we’re nearly halfway through the 2018 season of Death in Paradise. And let me tell you, it has been popping off. There’s been floods, university applications, bananas in exhaust pipes, a racist lizard, an Irish fetish, and Florence sprained her leg by jumping in the sea (I still don’t get how that…you know what, never mind). It seems loads has happened by virtue of absolutely nothing happening. It says a lot that I write 1500 words on these fucking things every week (I may be the world’s biggest connoisseur of DiP) but even I had to look back to see what the fuck episode 1 and 2 was actually about.

I think we’ve only had one ‘good’ episode so far, being last weeks. The humour worked, the mystery was actually kinda interesting, and the characters were top noootch. Basically, it was Death in Paradise with someone actually in the driver’s seat. Too often, it feels like there’s no one there, and the good coach DiP is coasting, just counting on it’s inherent charm and its established formula.

The biggest mis-step so far this series, which I think is actually a cardinal sin, is completely throwing out the USPs (Unique Selling Points) of DI Jack Mooney. Going into this series, he had a daughter, he had some unresolved grief with a dead wife, and he had some actually viable detective skills. And now Siobhan’s gone, the wife is only inferred (if you really wanna look into it) and the detective skills have amounted to using fruits to stop criminals (we’ve had a banana and a watermelon so far)

The fact Siobhan left is probably the worst. A new dynamic thrown out. If you look at the last episode of last series (where Mooney was tentative in asking Siobhan if she wanted to stay on the island) to the first of this (where Siobhan is tentative in asking Mooney to leave the island) it really fucking stinks. The wider story is fucked, and it just feels like a patchwork quilt, where nothing is carried over and everything is different. So we’ve thrown out the Mooney/Siobhan dynamic for…what?…some goofy Odd Couple sub-plot with Mooney and Dwayne? Really? Really? Really? REALLY?

It’s not like I’ve hated this series so far, but I just want some cohesion, and I ultimately think Death in Paradise can be better than this. Anyways, let’s sew another patch on the quilt with today’s offering. (Once again, I make my own titles because these things don’t have one) It’s time to start Putting the D in the P!!!


Series 7 Episode 4 – Hallelujah Hallelujah

We start on a beach (because always) and a healing pastor is getting ready for his congregation. Coming to the show (?) is Fabienne Jordan, a woman whose sight is failing her because of a brain tumour, who is travelling with her nephew, Dashel. The show is going great, Pastor Steadman King is healing people out the wazoo, by having them drink water from a cup and blessing them on their foreheads. Time comes, and it’s Fabienne’s time in the spotlight. She gets up, goes to drink from the cup and collapse s. DEAD. SMASH CUT TO TITLES!

At the station, the Commish is enhancing the Saint Marie police force with a dog to sniff shit out. The Commish wants to try a dog out and if he gets used, they’ll get their own. So yeah obviously the dog is going to get used. (When I said I wanted some change in Death in Paradise, I didn’t mean just shove a dog in there) Anyhoo, the team get called to the scene of the murder, and instantly Mooney notices Fabienne’s burnt lips. It seems almost certain that she was poisoned! And the poison must have been in the water and when the cup is tested, it’s found to have nicotine poison all up in its bidness!

While JP and Dwayne (and the fucking dog) search the entire congregation for any traces of some kind of poison receptacle, Mooney and Florence interview Paster King. Turns out, his return to Saint-Marie was fairly recent. He was a big-shot Pastor in America but felt that a homecoming was in order. What’s more, the Pastor already knew Fabienne, in fact they grew up together.

Dwayne is already blowing off his new lady (and not in a good way) It’s not good to blow stuff off, especially a court ordered job. I don’t blow off my court ordered job. Just take the ceramics down at my local charity shop. I got so good at selling the ceramics, I got promoted again. Now I’m working in the children’s toys section and I gotta shift some mother-flipping merch. You want a Tickle-Me-Elmo that’s left arm is damaged so now when you turn it on and the arm vibrates it looks like he’s masturbating? I’ll give you a good deal on it. You want a DI Jack Mooney cuddly toy? I made it myself at Build-A-Bear. You want a Sylvanian Families Set where all the the bears are beheaded. You want any of these great deals, you just email me at JPCanHooperMeAnyDay@aol.net. Electronic-Mail me quick cos these are gonna go fast fast fast.

Mooney does a bit of snooping in Fabienne’s bag and finds her shack keys. He goes to her shack, finds some sweets in unique wrapping (in a manner that will almost definitely come up again), and a diary with a pic of her, Steadman and some guy called Wallace, but they’re all growed up in the pic, which means the man of God is also a man of pies. Porkie Pies! Steadman and Fabienne were engaged to be married, but when Steadman moved to America, with Wallace no less, he blew off the engagement, and Fabienne never got over it. What’s more, it looks like the Pastor’s return to Saint Marie doesn’t seem quite as heaven sent, rather he was fleeing America after some kind of scandal.

Well, let’s not put all our eggs in Steadman’s basket, and let’s get derailed by some red herrings. I like herrings, especially red ones. The food colouring really adds some more flavour to the already sumptuous flavour of the herrings. Anyway, Fabienne changed her will so everything’s going to her nephew, Dashel. And turns out Dashel was haemorrhaging money like I’m haemorrhaging haemorrhoids. But Dashel denies killing his aunt because he didn’t

Hey, this episode’s pretty one sided, because we’re back to the pastor. Mooney finds that he and Fabienne grew up in a little village on the other side of the island, but when they hop skip over there, they find the village in a state of disrepair. It’s about to get redeveloped, and the security guard is lonely. The only visitors being Mooney, Florence…oh and Steadman the day before. Wait wha? Steadmanwent back to his old place, maybe to pick something up? Mooney applies for a warrant to search Steadman’s residence, and after some C plot shenanigans that aren’t really worth getting into (although I would like to point out that I wrote in my notes ‘Mooney’s meatballs, handled by Florence’) he gets it. So Mooney in primo ALPHA male mode rides up to Steadman’s place and turns it upside down.

There, he talks to Steadman’s wife, Amelia, who actually doesn’t turn out to be his wife at all. They wear wedding rings but they have separate bedrooms, because Steadman has other leanings. To put it bluntly, Steadman is as gay as a Saturday matinee of Mamma Mia! And he left the States because someone from his congregation saw the man of God with a man of man. I’m talking dicks! The search on Steadman’s abode WRAPS up (I’ve been counting my breaths since I was four, and begging each one to be my last) with Florence finding a sweet WRAPPER. One of the same sweet wrappers that Mooney saw at Fabienne’s house. So Fabienne was at Steadman’s place before the show on the beach? Mighty suspicious. And what’s more, JP finds a plastic bottle of nicotine poison in Steadman’s bin! THE BARBARIAN!!! (That was plastic, it should have gone in the recycling). Mooney arrests the good Pastor.

Back at the station, Dwayne finds that a Wallace Miller (cos that’s Wallace’s surname apparently) never actually went to the States with Steadman, even though Steadman told Fabienne he did? What’s more, Wallace seemed to vanish completely, even from Saint Marie records. Maybe he was killed!! Mooney orders a search of Steadman’s old place on the other side of the island, thinking that Steadman killed Wallace (maybe cos he found out he was gay) and buried him somewhere near his old place. Finding out the place was getting ripped up and built on, and the body would be discovered Steadman came back to Saint Marie, where Fabienne confronted him, and he had to kill her too? Maybes? The dog (Huh? Huh? The dog, right?) finds a body, but the results from the lab say it’s not Wallace. Mooney is at a loss. The one thing he can’t understand is why Fabienne would willing go to Pastor Steadman knowing he was a killer?? And then EPIPHANY!

Let’s get everyone together for the final blowout, and it’s obviously all to do with the Pastor so the other two suspects might as well not be there. But HOLY CHEESY CHESS PIECES!! Fabienne killed herself. She was carrying a capsule of poison in her bag, and had it in her mouth before she took a sip from the cup. Obviously the poison left it’s mark on the cup making it look like it was the cup that was the murder weapon.

But why? Ready for another mindfuck? Because Steadman King is actually Wallace Miller. All those moons ago, Wallace killed Steadman in a lust-filled rage and assumed his identity. Wallace buried Steadman by the old place, and had to come back to move the body. But Fabienne got wind of the fake Steadman. Her eyesight was failing, but she could still tell ‘Steadman’ was Wallace Miller. She confronted him and he told her no one would believe he wasn’t really Steadman. So she planted a bottle of nicotine poison in his bin and decided to frame him for her murder instead.

Dude, that just wrinkled my brain. So Wallace Miller killed Steadman King and then Fabienne died because of that. I think that all adds up to a healthy dose of TAKE HIM AWAY!!!

Well, alls well that ends well…apart from the stuff that obviously doesn’t ends well. Turns out the dog was only contracted for one episode so he’s fucking off now. Dwayne is making amends with his missus because he was ignoring her all episode, and Mooney has a record player now, cos that’s important I guess.

While this definitely wasn’t the most offensive episode ever, it also wasn’t particularly memorable. The sub-plots were incredibly superfluous, and the mystery was very weighted on one side. Two of the three suspects were not explored really at all. While a more focused investigation was kinda interesting, because Steadman/Wallace’s motivations were more fleshed out, it was still just par for the course. Oh well, there’s always next week I guess.


Up next: A person who is living becomes a person who is dead.





Putting the D in the P: Last Night(ish) on Death in Paradise (Series 6 Episode 8)

Putting the D in the P: Last Night(ish) on Death in Paradise (Series 6 Episode 8)

Hello and welcome to ‘Putting the D in the P’, my weekly look at the latest episode of Death in ParadiseDeath in Paradise is one of my favourite shows on television, and when casting your eyes down to the article below, just remember that my light-hearted ribbing is coming from a place of love.

So let’s get one thing out of the way – I know this recap is super late, but it’s the last one so I thought I would do something special. So I had to raise all the money for all these backing dancers, the snow machine, the smoke machine, the strobe lighting and the George Clooney impersonator. I got so out of control I forgot that there was absolutely no audio/visual component to these recaps. So I guess I’ll just sit here with all these guys doing their thing, and try and write this thing. It’s very loud here. Actually the smoke makes it hard for me to even see the screen. I feel a bit light-headed actually. Where’s my heart medicine? 

Anyway, this is indeed the last episode of Season 6 of Death in Paradise and what a season it’s been. There’s been some really good episodes, a few duds, and a big upheaval as Humph thought with his penis and left the island for some hardcore Humph-ing with Martha, leaving us with Ardol O’Hanlon’s DI Jack Mooney. Mooney is a fundamentally different kind of character to Humph. He has his own awkward style of investigating which can sometimes be mistaken for a general awkwardness. He has a daughter and he has some fresh trauma, having lost his wife just a month ago.

We haven’t really seen enough of Mooney to judge him with any kind of fairness. I think O’Hanlon plays him almost too well at some points (accentuating the weirdness), leaving the audience to wonder whether he or Mooney are playing up. I like him though, and as we’ve discovered through this series, it’s only my opinion that actually matters. The magic talking deer told me that when I smoked that PCP. the seeds of repetition were broken with Mooney…finally. And this series can now evolve into something else.

So for the last time lets start Putting the D in the P! (The episode title of wikipedia for this one is ‘Murder in the Polls’. I mean it’s not wrong but it lacks a certain creativity. So I’ve got my own.)

Series 6 Episode 8 – The Red Rosette

Ah voting time is here again, and what a wonderful time it is. I mean, no wrong conclusion has ever been reached by the outcome of a public vote. Not one. And that’s a goddamn fact! Dwayne knows what I’m talking about. He’s even going to stand outside the community centre voting station all day to make sure no hoodlums come to mess up the sanctity of crudely marking a box with an x while resisting the urge to draw a penis.

Edwina (a woman with a severe case of resting-bitch-face) is waiting outside the community centre too. She’s even arrived before the vicar and his wife and she doesn’t seem too happy about it. Mind, she could probably shit gold and she still wouldn’t crack a smile. Anyway, the three of them go in to set up the voting.

There’s two tables in the voting station (one for each constituency) and Edwina’s on one, while Old Vicar and his wife are on the other. There’s also a fair few booths which are all ready with pens and curtains and voting stuff. But something seems to be gravely amiss. Edwina’s fan isn’t working. The bastard!

Outside, the candidates arrive. You’ve got Peter Baxter, a straight laced dude who probably has some kind of shady past but is friendly enough. You have Catherine (of of Catherine’s Bar fame), she’s there I guess. And you’ve got Victor Pearce who’s a massive C-word (that’s right, he’s a massive C…onservative) Looks like he’s about to run away with the election because he had the money for a flashy marketing campaign. And what…would you really elect someone who didn’t have billboards and those stupid Party Election Broadcast things they stick on the front of Eastenders (which is ironic because they end up being even less believable)?

Well the candidates are all going to cast their votes now, which I’m sure won’t be predictable in the least. Edwina’s gone to get a new fucking fan, and the Mayor’s lass decides to go help her. This whole thing is so trival that it’s relative unimportance probably means it’s the most important clue of all. Anyways, the candidates are casting their votes. And poor old Victor picked the booth without a pen. Ol’ Vic (car not tor) travels over to hand him a pen then goes back to his desk. Again, notimportant so probably super important – the Death in Paradise way.

Anyways, it isn’t long until Catherine notices something gravely amiss. The cubicle next to her, where the delightful Victor is residing, seems to be leaking blood – which I’m told isn’t normal. Catherine raises the alarm as Victor comes out of his booth with a knife in his back – which I’m also told is not normal. I don’t know how voting works, okay.

Someone straight up murdered him. Guess that’s what you get for being a cun…try music loving man (One day the Earth will cease to be. And it’ll be all our fault. We are parasites feeding on the planet). Roll the fucking titles!!!!

Somewhere that’s not where we just were, the Commish and Mooney are having a classy meeting. You know it’s a classy meeting because they have lemonade. Anyway, it turns out the British police force are not really flexible when it comes to the premise of a serialised crime show. They want Mooney to commit to at least three more seasons on Saint Marie. Mooney turned down Broadchurch to be in this shit, so he’s going to have to think about it for at least 52 minutes. You see, there’s a small matter of a murder to tend to.

At the community centre, the team gathers around the corpse of Victor Pearce. Seems like the cause of death is the massive fuck-off knife sticking out of his back. But he was alone in his voting booth. How the hell could someone stab him and then get away while Victor was voting? Mooney does some C.S.I/Dexter/Sherlock bullshit but doesn’t really get anywhere…seeing as he’s not Sherlock or Dexter or Mr C.S.I. The ‘witnesses’ (people who were in the general vicinity) don’t know nothing about nothing. In fact the only lass who could have stuck the knife in the prick is Catherine (of of of Catherine’s Bar fame), who was in the booth next door.

What’s more Dwayne was outside all the time, so the killer has to be one of the people in the community centre. The 6 suspects…wait, wait a goddamn second, SIX suspects?? Halle-fucking-lujah! It’s not four for once. are as follows: Catherine (obvs), Peter Baxter, Edwina Bitchface, Vicar man (Matthew Dawson), Vicar wife woman (Judith Dawson), and Kemar Pierce (the victim’s son, who was also there I guess).

In a decidedly un-police type way, Mooney and Florence decide to totally disregard Catherine from the investigation due to personal reasons. Mooney rips up Catherine’s picture and thus the only potentially interesting aspect of this story goes in the bin. If you haven’t already guessed, I think this episode is just fucking awful. I even tried to disregard it from my mind for personal reasons…but that’s not a real thing.

Let me propose a Saint-Marie shaking season finale. Catherine kills Victor. It’s as plain as day. It’s the only thing that makes sense. Not willing to accept it, the team fight through it and investigate everyone else. But it all keeps coming back to Catherine. Mooney eventually has to come to the conclusion that Catherine did it. Because she did. Florence, Dwayne and JP have to come to terms with the fact that their friend murdered someone. And Mooney is now the guy who sent down a once much loved member of the community and the whole island knows it.

It may not be perfect, and I agree making Catherine into a villain would be a difficult concept to wrap up all in one episode, but it’s a little better than the bland Ryvita of an episode we got. Not to mention it would bring up a lot of great moments for Series 7.

Anyways, back to reality, and someone seems to have leaked information to the press meaning Catherine is already outed as the killer. Even though she’s totally not. Elsewhere, Mooney has a talk with Siobhan about renewing their contracts with the BBC. Siobhan says she’ll have a think about it.

At the station, it seems that Victor left all his money and his businesses to his son, Kemar. Sounds like a big motive to me. It also seems Victor went to the same school as ol’ sourface Edwina. It also seems that when Victor became Mayor he was going to shut down the orphanage run by Matthew and Judith Dawson.  So many leads… Let’s do the orphos first I guess (that’s the cool new way to say orphans I just made up. Spread it around)

Looks like the orphanage was indeed in danger of being shut down. But it wasn’t a very good orphanage anyway. They only had three kids there. And Matthew and Judith seem awfully attached to the little fuckers. So that’s a big ‘maybe’ on the brutal murdering then.

Back at the station Dwayne and JP are having a little SUB-PLOT. Turns out Dwayne wasn’t going to vote for Catherine because Catherine would have shut down his favourite place to get cheap rum! Well, JP is appalled. The power of friendship should trump cheap rum anyday of the week. Mooney and Florence come back from the kid farm to hear how bank statements showed that Kemar Pearce’s spending was getting out of control. So maybe he offed his dad to get that sweet sweet cheddar!

No he didn’t. Kemar explains his dad threw money at him as a substitute for actually spending time with him. He got accustomed to a certain lifestyle. But he didn’t kill him, he says. So that went fucking nowhere. Mooney’s no closer to figuring out the who or the how of this one. You can tell he’s stumped because he totally recaps everything that’s happened so far…because I guess this episode ran a little short… Mooney calls it off for the day and everyone goes to Catherine’s bar. That’s kinda stupid isn’t it. I mean, she’s a prime suspect in a murder case and you’re gonna all go and… You know what. I don’t give a shit anymore.

The next day, JP finds something odd in Victor Pearce’s diary. There’s an appointment in there, for a hotel rendezvous. There’s no reference to this meeting anywhere else. JP and Dwayne go to have a looksee at the hotel. And what they find will blow your fucking mind.

It’s just Peter Baxter having an affair and Victor got pics to blackmail him. I fear I may have hyped that up a little too much.

Florence has found out that not only were Edwina Face-like-she-just-smelt-a-fart-on-the-Tube and Victor at school together, they were also high-school sweethearts! Victor called it off when he became too busy with work. Yeah, Victor, we’ve all used that one before. I told my ex-wife I was too busy at work (unfortunately the work was digging her grave). Turns out Victor was Edwina’s first love and her last. There’s been no other flame for Edwina’s candle, no other butter for her bread, no other bubbles for her bath. Eww.

Well, Mooney and Florence rock up to Edwina’s place to ask her about the relationship. Turns out Victor changed afterwards, became cold and vindictive and a c…onservatory enthusiast. He didn’t even acknowledge Edwina’s existence anymore. Edwina’s one true love had changed. Sounds very much like Edwina killed the SOB…but as Edwina adds she is a Christian. So I guess that rules her out.

Well there’s only one person left, so we better dish the dirt on him too. Mooney and Florence confront Peter Baxter about the affair and the fact that Victor knew about it. A very strong motive it is too. Apparently, Victor threatened to go to the papers with the pictures of Peter (avec floozy) unless Peter stood down. Peter trumped Victor’s threat with a threat of his own. Peter found out that Victor has an illegitimate daughter – a little bastardette – somewhere on the island.  Fight fire with fire and all that. What the fuck does that phrase actually mean? Fight fire with fire. You just get more fire. Your fire mixed in with their fire. Unless you want fire. How does your fire win exactly? What are the rules?… Where’s my heart medicine? Oh, and Peter Baxter leaked the story about Catherine being prime suspect, I guess.

Dwayne decides to give Peter Baxter a taste of his own medicine. He’s going to leak the photos of him avec floozy to the press! Yes, that’s correct. Police officer Meyers is going to take a piece of evidence and leak it to the press. What the fuck is this – House of Cards? Please…tell me. I don’t even know anymore.

Somehow even more incredulously, Mooney decides to recap everything once again. And it’s starting to become apparent that this episode actually doesn’t have much content in. Like, at all. Of course his recap is pointless, and revelations are not had. So Mooney and Florence go off to a church service for people who aren’t dead like Victor Pearce (who’s dunzo).

While there, Mooney spots Judith Dawson with the kids whose actual parents are dead. This lead him to get a massive revelation. He knows who did dun the murder and he also knows who why what dun it. They both leave the service…which is actually a little really rude. Mooney sends Florence to the kid farm to find something while he…stops the church service?? which is significantly ruder.

On his way to do the devil’s work (I mean stop the church service not masturbation) he bumps into Siobhan who’s just hanging out I guess. She has decided to do another series (hopefully negotiating that she’s in it a hell of a lot more). Mooney doesn’t really give a shit at this present time because he’s gotta catch a killa, yo!

Final reveal time and this one’s a doozy. Because HOLY DEATH IN PARADISE we have a murdering twozie today! It was Edwina face-like-she-just-stepped-on-a-piece-of-Lego-every-second-of-her-existence and it was Judith Dawson. The two people that…it obviously was. I mean everyone else was in their booths, Vicar was at the desk…we saw this happen so it could have only been the other two. Anyway, turns out Edwina was the mother of Victor’s love child and that child is…Judith Dawson.

Judith set up the voting booths the night before the vote, making sure there was no pen in Victor’s booth. She also made sure Edwina’s fan didn’t work so Edwina would have to get up. When Edwina could not find the fan, Judith went to help. But here’s the thing, it was never about the fan. Edwina was never looking for a fan. So there was probably a fan just knocking about and she was telling porkies, because the fan was never an issue. Very sneaky, murderers. Anyway, when Vicar went to give Victor a pen, they had a brief window when Vicar was going back to his desk to sneak out and stab Victor in the back. And then sneak away again.

Motives are probably apparent. You know, he was a shitty guy and a shitty dad. Take them away!!!

Well, all murders wrapped up for another series. The people of Saint Marie are safe for another ten months. But rest assured, waiting in the shadows is a murderer with a very fleshed out motive and three other suspects with similarly fleshed out motives but are harmless but will come under relative suspicion, ready to leap out and murder you. You were warned.

With the bow placed firmly on the case, everyone kicks back at Catherine’s bar. Mooney announces that he and Siobhan are now series regulars and Catherine announces she’s the mayor because Peter was fucked up by that affair thing in the papers and Victor was fucked up by a kitchen knife. So happy endings all round I guess. You know apart from the families of Stephen Langham, Esther Monroe, Charlie Taylor, Jerome Martin, Tom Lewis, Frank Henderson, Julie Matlock, Nicole Hunter or Victor Pearce.

Because they’ve all been murdered. There’s funerals to plan, not to mention the crippling depression that comes from a family member being needlessly taken from the world. Some of them will turn to alcohol, drugs. Some of them will be consumed by an anger they cannot control. Some of them will go to a very dark place where it seems like life might not be worth living at all. And all they want is to see their loved ones’ faces once more. But they never ever can.

Ah well, fuck em. CHEERS!


UP NEXT: Later on in the year, I’ll be partaking in a very special Putting the D in the P as I read the Death in Paradise novel ‘A Meditation on Murder’.

Until then…I dunno. Re-read these things I guess. I don’t give a shit.

Hey guys, real Chris here, just want to say a massive thanks to anyone who actually read all these things. When I decided to do this eight (plus) weeks ago, I didn’t actually think I would cover every single episode. But here we are…over 10,000 words later. Christ.

Sorry this one was so late. I’ve been prepping my first crime novel for London Book Fair, busy time for authors and agents. Maybe this even means that Robert Thorogood can make his own blog ripping the shit out of my beloved child-book soon.

Keep thrusting that D into that P, guys…. Eww.

Here’s to Season 7!