It’s the second episode of the season and it seems very obvious that things are business as usual on Saint Marie. Remember last season when Humph and the guys went to London for a two-parter. That was awesome, huh? I wrote last week about how it was good that Death in Paradise didn’t change. However, that was before I watched the opener (I write these preludes beforehand, so maybe today’s episodes gonna be awesome!!) and I just kinda was not impressed by it.
I dunno what I was expecting – we’d already had two episodes with Ardol O’Hanlon’s Jack Mooney last season, and apart from some different kind of investigating, it was the same ol’ Death in Paradise. The very same D was being put in (or even thrust into, if you will) the very same P. Last time, I compared Death in Paradise to your grandma’s pot pie, and how you’d be annoyed if she changed the recipe. But, could grandma at least put some fucking salt and pepper on it!
I am a big fan of Death in Paradise – in fact, I was voted the biggest Death in Paradise fan in the world at the award ceremony held at the Travelodge in Milton Keynes. I was awarded a trophy and a glass of juice, after the consumption of which, I woke up at a McDonalds in Florence in nothing but my Death in Paradise branded underwear (Kris Marshall was on the pee flap and you don’t want to know where Ben Miller was). Anyway I got a little off topic – the point is that even a big fan like me is starting to get a little fatigued of grandma’s pot pie. I don’t want her to change the recipe, but I do want some spice.
The writing is the main (and kinda only) thing I think needs some (to a lot of) work. There’s a reason you get loads of fuckers on Twitter thinking they’re funny every new series saying some variation of ‘You’d think people would stop going to Saint-Marie because someone gets murdered every week.’ Yeah, swell tweets guys. No one’s ever thought of that one before.
But hey, it’s a valid thought. Maybe I’m rambling, maybe I’m making sense, maybe James Franco is innocent. But it would be nice to see Death in Paradise lean into the comedy of it’s premise a little more. It’s already incredibly light hearted, and the concept of murder is thrown around like a bean bag at a hippie convention. Last series, I said that Death in Paradise was a daytime TV show placed in a primetime slot. And I’m still behind that statement. Daytime shows can remain the same all they want, but primetime shows…they have to remain relevant, evolve.
I don’t know, maybe I’m just talking out my arse. Let’s have a look and see what we’ve got coming up this week. (As usual, these things don’t have titles, so I just make one up) For the second time this year, let’s get cracking with Putting the D in the P!
Series 7 Episode 2 – House Rules
We’re back on Saint-Marie (because where else would we be?) and it looks like we’re hotting up for a big poker game. There’s chips, cards, and an audience just waiting to see four of the top poler players in the world duke it out for 3 million flippin’ dollars. Organiser Les Doyle (played by Mark Benton, who apparently hasn’t been in one of these fucking things yet…) is buzzing around making sure everything is ready and nothing will interrupt the hottest poker battle EVAR! Dealer Adelaide Scott is ready, the audience is ready so it’s time to get the players.
Number 1 seed Bobby Rodriguez had just made a kale smoothie to chug during the game. Along with a big cigar, I hear those are sublime. Number 2 seed Ray Campbell is a little chavy dipshit. Professor Eugene Sutton is there, and to round out the party is Melanie Devaux (who happens to be Bobby’s wife, which I guess…is fine. Would that be allowed? Seems like poker game would be a perfect time for some collusion.)
Anyways the poker game seems to be going hunky dory, until Bobby starts spluttering and foaming at the mouth (which I’m told isn’t normal during poker) Anyhoo, he flippin’ dies! Someone’s poisoned him! I guess this poker game really was……..HIGH STAKES…..(
life is pain) Just smash cut to titles already!
Elsewhere, Florence is out of action. Her leg is in a cast due to her…falling in the sea last episode…(I dunno, just go with it.) Mooney gives her his world famous Mooney Meatballs! (I dunno, just go with it…again) to cheer her up. Florence tries them and thinks they’re awesome.
FLORENCE LIKES MOONEY”S MEATB – (No, I’m better than that) Anyways with Florence indisposed, it looks like Dwayne is going to have to step up and be the acting detective! Which should be fine…
Mooney, Dwayne and JP are called to the poker game, where all shit is breaking loose. Turns out, killing a guy isn’t actually a valid strategy in poker. Mooney looks at the body and notices that Rodriguez’s fingers are tinged a funny colour. Mooney doesn’t know shit about poker, but luckily Dwayne seems to be a bit of an expert! Poker Master rules says that the match has to be rescheduled within two weeks – so the 3 mil is still up for grabs, but there’s one less challenger. That’s one fuck of a motive.
Let’s just rattle off some stuff because I haven’t got all day. I need to go and do my Community Service at the charity shop. Manager says I need to sell more DVDs at the charity shop. You want a Lee Evans standup special? You want a DVD with one Call the Midwife Christmas special on. You want Lost Season 1 Part 2 (you don’t need to know what happens in Part 1, trust me). You want any of these DVDs, email me at IWantJPsHoopers@aol.net. Don’t be a stranger, these things are gonna sell fast, fast, fast. Anyway, Dwayne searches Bobby’s bag and finds a pair of sunglasses in a sock. Weird. Mooney learns there was an online blogger in the audience doing a blow-by-blow account of the game. Lame. And when the forensics comes back, it turns out the poison was not in the drink or the cigar, it was on the Ace of Spades! Intriguing. Because how could the killer know the Ace of Spades would end up in Bobby’s hand? Mooney’s on the case however – he soon finds that there’s two Ace of Spadses in play. The murder weapon was an extra slipped in to the deck.
What’s more – there’s a lead! Turns out the chav, Ray Campbell, is actually a super chav. He’s had previous for assault, is super in debt, and had a grudge with Rodriguez, obviously cos of the seeding. The motives are stacking up against ol’ Ray. Next, we find Bobby had been sending threatening emails to Prof. Sutton, when Bobby found out Sutton cheats! He marks the cards with UV and wears special sunglasses (the sunglasses Dwayne found) to see the UV. But let’s not stop there, Adelaide, the dealer, is revealed to be Bobby’s biological daughter! Hot cheese, everyone’s starting to look guilty.
The only one who doesn’t really is Melanie
which obviously means she did it. Mooney catches up with her to see if she knew that Adelaide was Bobby’s daughter. She says yes, but Bobby wanted to do a DNA test to make sure.
In a plot point that might just be the most random I have ever seen in DiP (I’ve literally written in my notes ‘random as fuck), the Commish crashes the station to remind Mooney he is giving a lecture to some nurses, about being a London detective, tonight. (Did you not want to establish this at the start of the episode? You know so when it comes up again, it makes sense.) Mooney is too busy with the case however, so Dwayne takes his place. Dwayne is jazzed to meet a bunch of ‘feverish’ nurses, but when he gets there, it’s a room full of old peeps. You see, it’s funny because Dwayne thinks the nurses all going to be young and hot. But they’re old. It’s funny because they’re old. It’s 2018.
Mooney goes to pick up Dwayne the next morning and Dwayne comes out in a towel saying he’s just run a bath. (I literally thought this was going to turn into the fact that Dwayne fucked one of the old nurses anyway but no, he’s actually running a bath). At the station, JP has found out that Rodriguez would take a cab ride to a community centre on the other side of the island frequently. Turns out he was going to AA, mainly because of something that happened in last year’s finals. Turns out, he got super pissed and copped off with some waitress and Melanie saw them together. Ol’ Bobster swore off the drink to save his marriage.
Mooney recreates the poker game at the station, with the team playing the parts of the suspects. That’s when Mooney gets his weekly EPIPHANY!!! He knows who did what and when and where and how, and HOT CHESS, let’s get all the suspects together! You see, Mooney deduced poker is not a game of cards, it’s a game of people that is played with cards (that line is pretty fucking good. I’m not shit-talking but I wouldn’t be surprised if that line came from somewhere else). Anyway, someone’s been telling porkies, and it’s time to settle dis!!
All the suspects are gathered and Mooney…REVEALS HIS HAND…
(the only thing I hate more than the world is myself) And HAM CHECKERS!!!!! It’s only the bloomin’ wife, Melanie. You see, she lied when she said Bobby had told her about his daughter, Adelaide. She had no idea, so when she saw Adelaide and Bobby going into a hotel together, she thought he was fucking about again! So she murdered him – but here’s the rub – the poison wasn’t on the Ace of Spades, only the residue. The poison was in fact on the tip of Bob-a-lob’s cigar. So the poison got ingested and any leavings got evaporated! Melanie is distraught that she killed her totes-faithful husband, but you know she did kill him. So TAKE HER AWAY!
Ah, another case wrapped up. But what’s this, Dwayne left the bath running at his place and now it’s super flooded! Looks like he’s going to have to stay with Mooney! There’s no way this can’t go fantastically, right? The team gather at the shack, and play a game of poker which Mooney (despite never having played before) is super good at. Well he is a detective…HAHAHAHA Happy ever after… you know apart from that guy who got killed in the poker game…what was his name again…who remembers…HAHAHA
See you next week, fuckers!!
Next week: A story that starts with a murder and ends with a murder being solved.