Putting the D in the P – Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 8)

Putting the D in the P – Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 8)

This series of Death in Paradise kinda went by in a fog for me. It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and there were echoes of what I love about Death in Paradise, but I did get extremely frustrated with the majority of it. The formula started to grate on me, I was annoyed by the fact that Mooney was made to abide by the formula, and the formula not made to abide to Mooney. A lot of it felt like a missed opportunity for me, not that it mattered. Apparently (as usual) Death in Paradise has gone from strength to strength, in the ratings at least.

Of course, it all changed last week, when we got an absolute belter of an episode and I was all over it! For the finale, we’ve got the same director, and some of my goodwill is definitely carried over. It’s not a bad episode, but it’s not to the level of last week’s.

So, for the last time this year, let’s start Putting the D in the P! (I’m very proud of the title for this one and want to remind you it is mine)

Series 7 Episode 8 – Locked-Room History

The team are jamming out at a music concert by Leon and the Rangers! It’s reggae music (which I can’t stand) and the show goes well. But the Commsih interrupts calling Mooney with some BIG NEWS BIG NEWS. The band relax backstage, Billy Springer, Leon Laroche, Maya Oprey, Kai Springer and Delmar Brown, Delmar doing his post-gig ritual of playing really obnoxiously loud music. But when son Kai, tries to get in dad Billy’s dressing room, it’s locked!

Mooney and the Commish meet and the Commish says that he just got a message from Billy saying that he had new info on the case of his wife, Jasmine Springer’s murder, from years back. Mooney busts down Billy’s door and finds him dead, with a gun in his hand, the door locked from the inside. Looks like a suicide alright! SMASH CUT TO TITLES!

Mooney inspects the scene, finding a fork on the floor (yes that’s right, we’ve got the last WEIRD CLUE of the series!) That seems to be it really. Talking with the other members of the band, Billy seemed distracted by something. Probs the info he was going to tell the Commish! Also, there’s an explanation for the fork – Billy used one to change the key on his guitar instead of a capo (if some of that is wrong, kindly don’t tell me – I don’t know a chuff about music)

The Commish fills the team in on the death of Jasmine Walker. She was found dead by a cliff. It was made to look like a robbery gone wrong. But obv it wasn’t a robbery gone wrong. Elsewhere, Dwayne’s dad is around I guess. I really didn’t understand why this sub-plot was in this episode particularly. It just kinda feels like they didn’t have enough investigation to fill 57 minutes so they were just like ‘what if Dwayne’s dad moved in with Mooney?? Huh?? Huhh??” Also back at the station, Mooney sees that Billy’s guitar is missing one string. Which is going to be infinitely more important than the Dad shit.

Back to the investigation and it seems that not all is well in the band. What’s more, it looks like it may have been caused by Jasmine Walker, when she called halt to a European tour. Delmar in particular lost a lot of money on that tour. And Delmar admits to Mooney that everything wrong in his life is due to Jasmine. Which means he’s the prime suspect! Which means he definitely didn’t do it! 

Dwayne and JP search Billy’s place and JP finds a photo album filled with pics of Maya. Talking to Maya, Mooney and Florence find Maya was in love with Billy, but Billy didn’t feel the same. And when he met Jasmine, Maya was forced to watch the budding romance. Seems like a MOTIVE!!

Florence finds that Billy had a lease for a shack by the beach, and she goes to see what’s happening! Turns out the shack’s full of Jasmine’s stuff and what’s more someone’s already broken in. Florence gives chase but they’re gone before she can even start running. But there is something interesting in the shack – old studio recordings of the band from back in the day. Dwayne and JP take the recordings to a studio and find a conversation between takes – an argument between Jasmine and Leon Laroche.

Mooney thinks that they were having an affair and Laroche confirms it. The argument on the tape was about Jasmine wanting to tell Billy something. But then soon after she ended up dead. But Laroche says that he didn’t kill her.

Back at Mooney’s shack, Dwayne finds that his dad has shacked up with Mooney. He says that Mooney shouldn’t worry, he’ll disappear in no time, just like he did with Dwayne when Dwayne was a kid. And sure enough, next time Mooney goes home, Dwayne’s dad is gone. And for some reason, this inspires his stroke epiphany. He goes back to look at Billy’s guitar, finding a note concealed inside – the new evidence Billy had on Jasmine’s death.

The gig at Saint-Marie inspired a trip down memory lane for Billy so he went to the shack and found the incriminating note in Jasmine’s stuff. And it tells Mooney exactly who killed Billy as well as Jasmine. Round the suspects together one last time! And SON OF A MOZZARELLA STICK it was Laroche!!!!

Laroche shot Billy – the loud music from Delmar’s room meaning the shot wasn’t heard. Leon locked the room, then bust in the door, breaking the lock. He put the key in the door, and used the fork and the missing guitar string to block the door so it appeared locked. But why? Well that argument Mooney and the team heard? It wasn’t about Jasmine wanting to tell Billy about the affair, it was about Jasmine wanting to tell Billy that their son, Kai, was actually fathered by Laroche! So Laroche left Jasmine a note to meet him at the cliff and murdered her! Then Billy found the note so he murdered him too!! TAKE HIM AWAY!!

With the case all wrapped up, and the Commish even almost smiling, it seems that all is well for another year on the good isle Saint Marie! Dwayne reconciles with his father, everyone else is also there, and that’s about it. Alls well that ends well, you know except for the families of Diane Smith, Bobby Rodriguez, Frank O’Toole, Fabienne Jordan, Daisy Anderson, Daniel Friend, Eugene Jones, Jasmine Walker and Billy Walker. They’re going to get pushed to some dark places in their unassailable grief for their loved one. A spectre who they can never see again. They’ll never hear their voices, they’ll never feel their touch and in time, they might even forget what they look like. The world will carry on, the worst part being that it will function exactly the same. AH WELL FUCK IT, LET’S HAVE A BEER!

It’s been a ride, hasn’t it? See you next year!


&&&&&&&%%%%%%%$£$$$$$$$££££££££££@@@@&&&***********((((())))^^^%$££££££££@@@@@@@!!!!!!((()))))) NORTH_FERN_LOGS@@@@@@@@@@^^^^^^^^^^^^^***************(((((((((()))))))))%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

‘They didn’t have vanilla so you just get a bog standard latte,’ Jones said, plopping a takeaway cup on the desk in front of her.

Anderson grimaced, took a swig of coffee, and changed her face to a look of revulsion. ‘Fucking North Fern coffee takes like arse. Our shadowy mysterious benefactor can afford all this fancy equipment, but can’t pay someone to make a good cup of Joe.’

Jones laughed. She said this exact thing about three times a week. He actually didn’t mind North Fern coffee, though he couldn’t deny it had the slight tang of a hospital waiting room. ‘Any good news?’ he said, nodding his head to the scene through the one-way window.’

Anderson turned to her computer, and got what she wanted in a few taps, ‘He’s just posted a blog for Series 7 Episode 8. Scanning it for information. And…nothing. No mention of the charity shop initiative at all. And no information about where he buried his wife. His mind won’t survive another loop, and we’re not getting anywhere. We were making more progress before all this charity shop shit.’

‘They’ve delivered another initiative,’ Jones said, collapsing in his swivel chair and chucking a floppy disk over to Anderson.

Anderson caught it with one hand and looked at it. ‘You’ve got to be kidding. ‘The Circus Initiative’. We’re gonna have a series arc about this idiot being in the circus now. C’mon the charity shop thing ran out of steam after episode four. And how’s that going to get us closer to finding out where he buried her.’

‘You know the drill,’ Jones said reclining in his chair, ‘we occupy his mind with something trivial, such as completely overanalysing the deep-as-a-puddle television show Death in Paradise, hoping that he slips up and offers up information, but he needs to think he’s really existing so he has to have a job.’

‘Don’t talk up to me like that, Jones,’ Anderson snapped. ‘I’m still your boss.’

Jones laughed, ‘Hey what do you think’s in the coffin? Michael said that Jameson hinted at the water cooler that Southern said that maybe it’s Nazi Gold!’

‘Don’t believe everything you hear, Jones. There’s something of interest on his dead wife’s person that the higher ups want, that’s the long and short of it.’

‘They must really want it,’ Jones said, ‘Going through all this.’

Anderson straightened up and then jumped up, her chair being propelled back. Jones jumped up too, just at the surprise of it. ‘What is it?’ Jones said.

Anderson peered through the window and Jones came to meet her. ‘Look at the reviewer.’ she said. They looked through the window into the small room. The walls were lined with metal and in the centre of the room, a bearded malnourished man sat hooked up to a machine, wires coming out of his head. That wasn’t what had startled Anderson though.

‘His eyes are open,’ Jones whispered. The reviewer’s eyes were indeed open and they were staring right through the window at them. ‘He’s looking at us.’

‘Don’t be stupid,’ Anderson said, ripping her eyes from the man and going over to a red phone on the desk. ‘That’s one-way glass, he couldn’t see us even if he wasn’t semi-conscious.’ Anderson picked up the phone.

‘What are you doing?’ Jones said, seeing her.

Anderson already had the phone halfway to her ear. ‘I’m calling the higher-ups. This loop is done. Load in the Circus Initiative, God help us. We’re running out of time.’

‘How long do you think we have, exactly? To find out where this arsehole buried his wife and get all the nazi gold? Or…whatever might be in the coffin?’

Anderson thought for a moment. ‘I’d say we have until the 4th of January 2019 (depending on Episode air-dates)’

‘Shit,’ Jones said.

Jones and Anderson got to work, just as everyone along the corridors was working too. Just as everyone in the North Fern sector got to work, everyone in the building. All of Area 51 got to work.

Putting the D in the P: Last Night(ish) on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 7)

Putting the D in the P: Last Night(ish) on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 7)

Well, blow me down! If you hadn’t guessed from my general air of disdain throughout this entire series, I was pretty much done with Death in Paradise. I was all ready to come out at the end of the series, and put in my prediction that it would be cancelled – which was kinda a statement fuelled by anger, as DiP still gets ratings out the wazoo (8 million for Episode One). That’s a lot of peepers glued to the screen. I can’t even get 10 people to view my YouTube channel where I review cemeteries. You want to earn an extra star on my review for your cemetery, you make sure to have facilities (dead people don’t have to poop, but I do something about cemeteries makes me want to poop)

Then we got episode 7, and it’s possibly the best episode of Death in Paradise I’ve seen. Now I’ve gotta weight that statement with some clarification – it’s the best episode of Death in Paradise I’ve seen, a series that has a lower mark of quality than any other show out there. It’s a great episode, but that doesn’t mean there’s still some problems. But let’s not focus on the negative (first time I’ve ever said that in this blog) the murder mystery is (at least at the outset) entertaining, every member of the investigation team gets their moment in the spotlight (yes, this is one of the episodes where it isn’t just Jack Mooney and three servants) and the direction in particular is fantastic. This was directed excellently by Sarah Walker, who actually put thought into stuff like shot composition, use of colour and screen real estate. Basically it felt like this episode actually had a director, and it wasn’t just cobbled together by the actors and the producers.

Episode 7 was so good I’m gonna find it hard to tear it apart in this post. But I’m afraid I’m bound by my station. So let’s start Putting the D in the P! (You know the deal by now, I make up my own title yada yada yada)!

Series 7 Episode 7 – Open and Shut

An old man with a beard notices some kind of kerfuffle going on up at his neighbour’s house so he calls the police. Dwayne and JP rock up and do some actual police work! Beard’s neighbour has been murdered and the perp is still in the house! Dwayne busts the door down and JP gives chase. He slams into the perp and recognises him as an old school bully of his, Cordell Thomas. Unfortunately the recollection (much like Mooney’s mini-strokes epiphanies) stuns JP and Cordell gets away. But it doesn’t matter much. JP knows exactly who did it. Case closed. That one was easy! Oh…wait…there’s another fifty two minutes in this episode….SHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT. SMASH CUT TO TITLES!

Florence rocks up and sees that Mooney has gone night fishing (you know, cos he’s always talking about how he likes night fishing). He’s caught a fish too but there’s no time to put it anywhere. There’s a murder to get to! Dwayne explains that it looks like a robbery gone tits up, because Cordell dropped a backpack full of jewellery when JP slammed him. The victim is Eugene Jones, who seemed to have a tussle with Cordell, and got hit by an ornament and then famously died. Mooney sees that Eugene is clutching a peanut! (which is a very weird weird clue indeed, specially as Eugene don’t have no nuts!)

Mooney and Florence go back to the station to find Cordell Thomas there waiting for them! He knows he’s in the shit so thought he’d turn himself in to save everyone some trouble. Put the kettle on, it’s all over. And faster than usual. Wait, theres forty nine minutes left. FFFFFUUUUCCCKKK. Cordell explains he’s been working for Eugene for yonks, making deliveries. He saw all the jewels, which Cordell knew were already stolen. Cordell wanted the jewels for himself, so was gonna burgle Eugene. And Cordell bopped him on the head with the ornament. Seems open and shut, but Mooney’s still hung up on that damn peanut.

Dwayne and JP go to tell Eugene’s sis that she has one less person to buy Christmas presents for this year, and she’s obviously upset (she hasn’t thought of the savings yet!) but she ain’t surprised it looks like Cordell killed him. Also, it’s Dwayne’s birthday I guess. JP isn’t very happy that Mooney is being very anal about the peanut. JP thinks it should be case closed, because he knows what an arsehole Cordell is. Mooney thinks Cordell didn’t do it and Cordell is covering for someone.

Dwayne and JP go to the Thomas place and meet a cleaner (who’s totes obviously gonna be important) while Mooney and Florence go looking into the stolen jewels. The cleaner, Marie, thinks Cordell’s a decent bloke (maybe he’s changed since JP knew him at school). The jewels belonged to a Charlie Blake, a local mucky Brit whose in crime up to his tits. Charlie seems happy that his jewels have been found, but Mooney thinks it’s a hell of a motive. Maybe Charlie found out Eugene had the jewels and killed him until he was dead. Charlie has no alibi.

Dwayne’s looking forward to a birthday dinner with Darlene, while JP goes and has some character development with Cordell. Cordell claims to have never known Charlie. But it might not matter – Cordell’s fingerprints are on the ornament, and the time of death lines up. Florence gets a key to a lockup Eugene rented. Eugene and his sis were seen to be having an argument there last night and some paperwork Mooney finds means the argument was probably about Eugene selling the cafe Eugene’s sis runs. What a MOTIVE!! And she don’t have no alibi either!

It’s very important to have an alibi. I have plenty of alibis down at my local charity shop where now I’m £££££££££££$$$$$$$%%%%%%%%&&&&&*******LISTEN TO ME NOW PLEASE. WE DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME. I AM NOT HIM. I AM NOT HIM. I WORK AT NORTH FERN. TELL OUR SUPERIORS THAT THE CHARITY SHOP INITIATIVE HAS FAILED. SUBJECT HAS NOT RECALLED THE INFORMATION WE DESIRED. THE LOOP WILL BE RESET BUT HE WON’T LAST ANOTHER FULL CYCLE. I REPEAT, THE CHARITY SHOP INITIATIVE HAS FAILED******^^^^$$$$$$$£££££ If you want one of those hot items, you email me at IWannaPlayHooperWithJP@aol.net. If you want…wait what was I talking about? Oh yeah, I’m gonna start working at a charity shop as part of my community service (because they couldn’t find where I buried my wife) The potential for about a series’s worth of misadventure is rife, so I’ll have my first check-in next week!

Anyway, back to the episode, there’s nothing to link Cordell to either of the other two suspects, so why would Cordell cover for them? There’s talk of a phone Cordell used and then subsequently dumped (a burner). Florence has an EPIPHANY! Cordell had a takeaway coffee when he got to the station to turn himself in, so maybe the phone was dumped near there. And turns out she’s right, after some garbage dipping, they come up with a phone! Dwayne goes to his birthday dinner, and gets the wrath of Darlene when she finds out his colleagues are still working. Dwayne gets back to work, his dinner on hold, while JP interviews the neighbour again (Mr Beard – Samuel Palmer). He’s a nice beard, and definitely didn’t do it. JP gets an EPIPHANY too. It’s going round. Cordell has changed – he met a girl!

Cordell’s phone shows one last call just before he turned himself in. And you bet it’s to that lass! The cleaner, Marie! But Marie is at the station when they get back. Cordell was covering for Marie, because he luuuuvvvvs her and she’s pregnant. Marie went to see Eugene to deliver 10,000 smackers from a previous job and to say that she wasn’t going to sell the jewels either because Charlie Blake was onto her, and accidentally killed Eugene. Then Cordell covered it up by bopping the already dead Eugene on the head with the ornament. There we go! Case closed. And a bit earlier than…wait there’s still 12 minutes left in the… SHHHITTFFFFUCCCCKKK. I mean there is the problem of the missing 10k so fair doesss.

But it’s okay cos Mooney has an EPIPHANY of his own. And after he’s changed his pants (he got some Epiphany goo in there) they round up the suspects for an Inception-style crime within a crime within a crime. The murderer is Samuel Palmer! And Samuel has scarpered, while Mooney was adhering to the formula. You see Marie thought she had killed Eugene, but she hadn’t. Samuel went in the house, found a jar of peanuts with the 10k, and was there when Eugene woke dazed. Samuel had to kill him. Then Cordell comes to take the blame, not knowing that the scene he finds is not Marie’s doing, but Samuel’s. MIND BLOWN.

TAKE HIM AWAY! Oh wait, Samuel has fucked off so I guess we’ve got a killer on the loose. Oh well, Mooney and Florence have barbecued fish for tea, JP and Cordell reconcile and have a beer together. And Dwayne finally gets his birthday dinner. But it’s interrupted by a cliffhanger that makes no sense! Dwayne’s dad comes in and that’s a…good way to end this…someone thought. Isn’t Dwayne at Darlene’s? How does Dwayne’s dad know where Darlene lives. Ah, fuck it, who cares.

Up Next: This fucking thing ends and I get my life back!


Putting the D in the P – Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 6)

Putting the D in the P – Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 6)

Yo! It’s episode six of series seven, and hot cheese, it keeps on going! Just inside info here, the preambles are probably the hardest thing to write in this series of articles, because I have literally nothing to play off. And this series of Death in Paradise really hasn’t given me much to go on. It should have been an (at least) semi-exciting series with a new detective, but literally all I can say about it, is that it is continuing.

It continues to exist.

So yeah, preamble done. (And nailed, if I do say so myself)

It’s time to be Putting the D in the P, to the power of 706! (Own title blah blah)! Let’s go!

Series 7 Episode 6 – Death and Relaxation

Hey! We’re doing some relaxing this episode, at at a relaxation retreat! There’s pottery, therapy, meditation, robes, green tea and most importantly a gong! Some guys are going out onto the grass for a meditation session – Cressida Friend is conducting (?) the sesh and Gabe Lee, Eva Ingram, and William Byrn are ready to chillax! (The kids tell me that that’s chilling a nd relaxing at the same time.) But Daniel Friend, the owner of this fine relaxatorium, is too cool for school – he’s off for a swim! When the meditation’s over, Cressida and Gabe go for some walkies and find Daniel collapsed! Gabs (my laptop keeps auto-correcting Gabe to Gabs, so I’m gonna roll with it) rushes over and confirms Daniel’s dead!!! SMASH CUT TO TITLES!!

Back, somewhere else on the island, Mooney is to give a speech for the Commish who’s about to get an award for like Commish of the Year or something. Trouble is, Mooney doesn’t know diddly-squat about the Commish. Seems like no one does – he’s an enigma! (I just summed up the multiple scenes of that entire sub-plot in two sentences, so…)

Anyways, Mooney can’t sit around for ever, we’ve got a murder to solve! At the retreat, Mooney and the team get to grips with the case. The retreat seems to be all relaxxy – they’re not even allowed to use mobile phones, and definitely not the Tweeters. It looks like Daniel has been strangled with one of the belts from the retreat uniforms. What’s more, there’s one belt missing from the laundry! The only other interesting thing is that under Daniel’s body, there’s a key – that seems to be for some kind of lockbox!

In the hunt for stuff to pad out this episode, JP and Dwayne start to read the literature of the retreat. What’s that I hear? Sounds like it’s time for another DWAYNE AND JP WACKY SUB-PLOT TM. JP thinks all you need to get what you want, is to visualise it. Positive thinking and all that, you know. You gotta remain positive, see. Like I did when I was working at my charity shop. But now I don’t work there, because I run the whole thing! That’s right, I was so good at managing my local charity shop, they put me in charge of the whole company! I’ve fired all the staff of everywhere, so I’m looking for some new staff. You wanna be the manager of the Hull shop? Hull was voted the worst city in the UK for five years running, so you wouldn’t have to put in much effort. You wanna run the Oxford shop? Oxford’s all brainy and stuff, so you might get loads of books. You wanna go run the Isle of Man shop? My assistant tells me people actually live there! You wanna run any of these shops, all you have to do is email me at TwoJPHoopersAndImJustWatching@aol.net. These shops are gonna go fast, so do the emails, and send those emails to me NOW!!

Anyhoo, the search turns up no belt, but it does turn up some notes in Daniel’s room. But the notes aren’t his. They’re William Bryn’s. See, William Bryn was looking to write an expose on Daniel, because, I dunno, relaxation doesn’t exist or something. Anyways, Daniel found out and I guess that’s a motive.

Let’s turn our attention to Gabe. Looks like Gabe had taken an extended sabbatical after some douchey boyfriend drove his twin sister to suicide. Gabe was doing some confrontation therapy with Daniel – which is like relaxation therapy but with more punching and loud noises. Gabe went off to a bar in a strop, and promised to kill Daniel. So I guess it wasn’t him (because that’s too obvious) Now onto Cressida (if you think reading this is rather dry, imagine watching it). Looks like Daniel was a little rough. And by a little I mean he broke one of Cressida’s ribs in a fight! That sounds like another motive!

Back at the station, the Commish’s speech is going terribly and who wants to sit around and write a speech when there’s a murder to solve! Especially because it looks like Daniel Friend only came into existence 3 years ago. Which means he had another identity before! Before he was Michael Bennett! And we know that, because Dwayne and JP visualise finding the lockbox and they do (yes this is really primetime on BBC One)

So Daniel/Michael actually wasn’t on the way for a swim, he was on the way to retrieve the lockbox. Because he was fucking off. Someone had rumbled him, and that someone waaaaasssssss…Eva Ingram! Who used to run a business with Michael Bennett, and got short changed by him! Eva was at the retreat to get her money back, but Michael had other ideas and went to skedaddle. That seems like a motive too, I guess.

So this rather thin investigation is all ready to be wrapped up. Mooney has nothing for the Commish awards and he is forced to make up a speech as he goes along. Make…up…as…he…goes…along. As Mooney sits down after the speech, he has a seizure orgasm EPIPHANY!

Rounding the suspects up, Mooney knows who killed Danny-boy forward slash Michael. And JIMINY CRACKERS it was Gabe!!!! So that boyfriend who fucked Gabe’s sister around, which led her to suicide? That was Michael Bennett! So Gabe came to Saint Marie, to dish out some justice. He knew Daniel forward slash Michael’s schedule so put a strong sedative in his tea just before he was due to go swimming. Trouble was, Daniel wasn’t going swimming, he was going to get his box to scarper! So Gabe and Cressida found Daniel collapsed and Gabe had to improvise, killing him when he was alone with Dan, with his belt. Jeez Louise! Okay, TAKE HIM AWAY!!!

Equilibrium is restored, and there’s not much to wrap up. Dwayne and JP finally realise that all the visualisation stuff is bullshit and the Commish liked Mooney’s impromptu speech! Happy days!

Overall, this is just going to be another episode that will be forgotten. Nothing of note really happened. And at this point, I’m starting to think that that is the way the show runner likes it. I’ve noticed a distinct lack of Robert Thorogood writing credits this series, and I don’t want to admit it, but there’s been a real decline because of it. We’ve got two episodes left, and I hope the last one at least is penned by Robert. Let’s end Series 7 in a surprising way – with a good episode.

UP NEXT – Someone dies, there are four (maybe five) suspects – all of which have a motive, there’s a weird clue, there’s an epiphany, and there’s a wrap-up.

Putting the D in the P: Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 5)

Putting the D in the P: Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 5)

It’s time for another hot Death in Paradise and so far, ain’t Season 7 kinda been a drag? It’s actually really depressing to me. It just feels there is a lot of fatigue around the very obvious formula of the series, and although it’s always been like this (for 7 bloody seasons) I’ve never really felt it as hard as I do now. I don’t know about ratings and stuff like that (that would take research) but I wouldn’t be surprised if there has been some kind of decline. Which is kinda sad, because I think Ardol O’Hanlon had the potential to be the most interesting character the series had ever had and in my opinion (because if you haven’t figured yet, this entire series is opinion) he has been totally misused.

It’s basically like Peter Capaldi in Doctor Who. He could have been my favourite doctor but the stories and events that unfolded were (not objectively terrible but) fundamentally mis-managed. That’s exactly what’s happening with DI Mooney.

It’s not just Death in Paradise, I also think that this season of Silent Witness had been one of the worst in recent memory. Just like DiPSW had an extremely interesting end of the last series, and the start of the new series has entirely failed to capitalise on it at all (if you watch SW I’m referring to Nikki being buried alive in Mexico and Jack’s incredible helplessness in being unable to save her) Yes there’s echoes of interesting stuff, but it seems like it wants to wrap it up straight away. Hey, wait a sec, just like Mooney’s daughter fucking off straight away.

Because I’m getting very bored of both, it’s entirely possible it’s just me. And I’m just foreseeing the comments that I might be getting tired of Death in Paradise because I over-analyse every episode, yeah that’s valid. That being said, don’t comment that. But the fact remains I’m coming to these things with a fucking sigh, whereas last series (where I wrote exactly the same accompanying articles) I was coming to them with a smile.

Oh well, at least Inside No. 9 is fucking fantastic still.

Let’s go! Number 5! Make my own titles up (you know the deal by now!)! It’s time to start Putting the D in the P!


Series 7 Episode 5 – A Charitable Cause

Hey! Saint Marie! And its Day of the Dead! All the members of the team are joining in the celebrations, and having a grand old time! Elsewhere however things aren’t so peachy. Finn Anderson has just seen his wife Daisy Anderson off. She’s on her way to a Charity Auction at the Yacht Club, an auction in which regular guest stars, the Commish, and Katherine, are in attendance. Finn’s too cool for school though, and instead makes his way to the Day of the Dead festival getting a drink at one of the bars. Soon though Finn receives a terrible answering phone message of Daisy talking to someone who seems to be murdering her. He finds Mooney and Co. and gets them on the case! SMASH CUT TO TITLES!

Mooney and Co. listen to the voicemail and hot tail it over to the Yacht Club. No one there saw Daisy there, but Daisy’s cars parked out front. The Commish offers his services and soon finds Daisy’s body by a cliff looking out to sea. It’s obvious she’s been stabbaroo’d and there’s nothing much else interesting going on here. Apart from the WEIRD CLUE OF THE WEEK TM – a yellow butterfly that the Commish says should be in hibernation this time of year.

No one of the arbitrary list of suspects, Hugh Davenport (the head of the club), Charlotte Hamilton (the treasurer) and Finn Anderson (hubby) can’t think of any reason anyone would want to kill Daisy, who was the head of the charity commission at the Club and was well liked. After a fruitless conversation, JP searches Daisy’s car and finds an expensive bracelet shoved into the back of the glovebox. Weird!

Mooney wonders about Finn. He jumped to the conclusion that the voicemail message meant murder very quickly, even though the voicemail only had Daisy begging with a person who supposedly had a knife. That wouldn’t automatically mean she’s dead. Mooney wonders why Finn would think that straight off. Finn has no motive so far, he’s a game designer who sold his game for 7 million dollars, so money isn’t an issue. But Finn does seem to have a spot of blood on his shirt (in an abnormal scene that shows the audience something that the team don’t)

Harry the CGI lizard is sick – he’s not moving, he’s been turned into a model of a frog (which is cheaper budget-wise) Yeah he’s not moving at all, not even drinking water. He’s definitely SICK! SICK? SICK! Just like the deals down at my local charity shop. I got so good at selling the kiddy’s toys, and the ceramics, and the DVDs, now they’ve put me in charge of the whole store! So now I can sell whatever I like! I think you’re gonna really like some of the stuff I sell now. You want a partially chewed Findus lasagne? Come on down to my second-hand food section! You want petrol? We got tons of fucking gasoline in our car go-go section! You want a garage door? We got a great selection in our Things That Are Used To Keep Things In section! You want any of these hot products, you just email me at PaintMeLikeOneOfYourJPHoopers@aol.net. But be quick, these hot products are gonna go fast fast fast!!

That expensive bracelet that was in Daisy’s glovebox? Adam Warner gave it to her. Adam Warner is the Club surf instructor, and also a total beefcake. He was having an affair with Daisy, but when he gave her the bracelet, she was like ‘this gettin too real for men’ and fucks off. Adam really liked her so would never kill her. OR WOULD HE?????……No he’s not the murderer.

Time to throw some shade at Hugh Davenport, who through some CCTV, was shown to be attempting to blackmail Daisy because he found out about Daisy’s affair. It looks like he may want some sexy sexy sex favours. You heard the phrase Fight Fire With Fire? Well, Davenport wants to Fight Affair with Affair. He’s a scumbag, but he would never kill Daisy, right?

Back to Finn, who seems to be guilty as sin. Finn and Daisy were going through a rough patch. Daisy told Finn about the affair. And what’s more Daisy told Finn she wanted a divorce! And they argue about it.

At Katherine’s bar, Mooney asks Katherine about the auction. She said no one inside including Davenport, Charlotte Hamilton, and Beefcake Airways left the auction when Daisy was supposedly killed. So they all have alibis. She also tells Mooney that Daisy was at the bar a few days ago with some official looking papers and looking troubled. She was looking for a charity called Project Saint Marie, a charity that turns out to be a way to siphon money from the club. And the one responsible for the siphoning? Charlotte Hamilton!

Charlotte wanted money, lots and lots o’ money, and she thought no one would notice. But when Daisy as the new head of Charity stuck her nose in, Catherine got found out! Seems like a hell of a motive, ey?

Dwayne is still with his new girlfriend, Darlene, but she’s looking after her niece, Elise, and Dwayne thinks that kids are shit and hates spending time with her. But in a scene that actually has a nice amount of emotional depth, Dwayne is forced to tell Elise a bedtime story, and slowly realises that he enjoys looking after her. Elise is having nightmares and Dwayne tells her to draw the monsters she’s seeing.

The next morning, Darlene shows Dwayne what Elise drew – it’s a crude but obvious picture of Finn with a knife threatening Daisy. Elise actually saw what happened and that’s why she’s having nightmares. So Finn was at the Festival of the Dead with a knife, going to stab Daisy. But how did Finn get Daisy’s body from the centre of town to the yacht club without anyone seeing?

Mooney gets a phonecall from the vets (oh yeah, he took Harry to the vets I guess) to hear that Harry’s on the mend!! He was near death, but he still soldiered on. And that triggers the EPIPHANY!! (And some pretty good funny faces from Mooney) He knows the who and the what and the why.

At the final reveal, Mooney reveals all! And HOLEY MOLEY it was Charlotte and Finn. Finn went to kill Daisy in the centre of town but bottled it at the last moment. Daisy got hold of the knife and ran…to Charlotte’s place. Charlotte seized the opportunity to silence Daisy about the charity stuff by killing her, but first recorded a voice memo of Daisy pleading with her.

Charlotte got some tarpaulin and wrapped Daisy up, and made her way over to Finn’s. She blackmailed Finn (for that GREEN doe!!) and took Daisy’s car to dump the body by the yacht club. In the tarpaulin, a butterfly who had crawled under it to die and ended up sticking to Daisy’s flowers on her dress. Finn played his part, Charlotte calling him with the voice memo and Finn letting it go to voicemail. Charlotte and Finn now have alibis…except that they don’t cos Mooney sussed them out by having a stroke epiphany. TAKE THEM AWAY!

Well it seems that everything has worked out for the best apart from the dead nice kind young woman and Harry has returned home. The vets have cured his model-itis, and he’s back to being good ol’ CGI again. Supers. The episode ends with Mooney declaring he’s starting to feel at home on Saint Marie! Very nice.

This episode was fine. There were actually some neat moments, and was it just me or was the music out of control in this episode? In a wacky way that I can kinda get behind. The stuff with Dwayne was actually a neat sub-plot, with some genuine depth, and it was nice to see a sub-plot feed into the main narrative for a change. Overall, not great, but not bad.

UP NEXT: A murder occurs on Saint-Marie.

Putting the D in the P: Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 4)

Putting the D in the P: Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 4)

Wow, we’re nearly halfway through the 2018 season of Death in Paradise. And let me tell you, it has been popping off. There’s been floods, university applications, bananas in exhaust pipes, a racist lizard, an Irish fetish, and Florence sprained her leg by jumping in the sea (I still don’t get how that…you know what, never mind). It seems loads has happened by virtue of absolutely nothing happening. It says a lot that I write 1500 words on these fucking things every week (I may be the world’s biggest connoisseur of DiP) but even I had to look back to see what the fuck episode 1 and 2 was actually about.

I think we’ve only had one ‘good’ episode so far, being last weeks. The humour worked, the mystery was actually kinda interesting, and the characters were top noootch. Basically, it was Death in Paradise with someone actually in the driver’s seat. Too often, it feels like there’s no one there, and the good coach DiP is coasting, just counting on it’s inherent charm and its established formula.

The biggest mis-step so far this series, which I think is actually a cardinal sin, is completely throwing out the USPs (Unique Selling Points) of DI Jack Mooney. Going into this series, he had a daughter, he had some unresolved grief with a dead wife, and he had some actually viable detective skills. And now Siobhan’s gone, the wife is only inferred (if you really wanna look into it) and the detective skills have amounted to using fruits to stop criminals (we’ve had a banana and a watermelon so far)

The fact Siobhan left is probably the worst. A new dynamic thrown out. If you look at the last episode of last series (where Mooney was tentative in asking Siobhan if she wanted to stay on the island) to the first of this (where Siobhan is tentative in asking Mooney to leave the island) it really fucking stinks. The wider story is fucked, and it just feels like a patchwork quilt, where nothing is carried over and everything is different. So we’ve thrown out the Mooney/Siobhan dynamic for…what?…some goofy Odd Couple sub-plot with Mooney and Dwayne? Really? Really? Really? REALLY?

It’s not like I’ve hated this series so far, but I just want some cohesion, and I ultimately think Death in Paradise can be better than this. Anyways, let’s sew another patch on the quilt with today’s offering. (Once again, I make my own titles because these things don’t have one) It’s time to start Putting the D in the P!!!


Series 7 Episode 4 – Hallelujah Hallelujah

We start on a beach (because always) and a healing pastor is getting ready for his congregation. Coming to the show (?) is Fabienne Jordan, a woman whose sight is failing her because of a brain tumour, who is travelling with her nephew, Dashel. The show is going great, Pastor Steadman King is healing people out the wazoo, by having them drink water from a cup and blessing them on their foreheads. Time comes, and it’s Fabienne’s time in the spotlight. She gets up, goes to drink from the cup and collapse s. DEAD. SMASH CUT TO TITLES!

At the station, the Commish is enhancing the Saint Marie police force with a dog to sniff shit out. The Commish wants to try a dog out and if he gets used, they’ll get their own. So yeah obviously the dog is going to get used. (When I said I wanted some change in Death in Paradise, I didn’t mean just shove a dog in there) Anyhoo, the team get called to the scene of the murder, and instantly Mooney notices Fabienne’s burnt lips. It seems almost certain that she was poisoned! And the poison must have been in the water and when the cup is tested, it’s found to have nicotine poison all up in its bidness!

While JP and Dwayne (and the fucking dog) search the entire congregation for any traces of some kind of poison receptacle, Mooney and Florence interview Paster King. Turns out, his return to Saint-Marie was fairly recent. He was a big-shot Pastor in America but felt that a homecoming was in order. What’s more, the Pastor already knew Fabienne, in fact they grew up together.

Dwayne is already blowing off his new lady (and not in a good way) It’s not good to blow stuff off, especially a court ordered job. I don’t blow off my court ordered job. Just take the ceramics down at my local charity shop. I got so good at selling the ceramics, I got promoted again. Now I’m working in the children’s toys section and I gotta shift some mother-flipping merch. You want a Tickle-Me-Elmo that’s left arm is damaged so now when you turn it on and the arm vibrates it looks like he’s masturbating? I’ll give you a good deal on it. You want a DI Jack Mooney cuddly toy? I made it myself at Build-A-Bear. You want a Sylvanian Families Set where all the the bears are beheaded. You want any of these great deals, you just email me at JPCanHooperMeAnyDay@aol.net. Electronic-Mail me quick cos these are gonna go fast fast fast.

Mooney does a bit of snooping in Fabienne’s bag and finds her shack keys. He goes to her shack, finds some sweets in unique wrapping (in a manner that will almost definitely come up again), and a diary with a pic of her, Steadman and some guy called Wallace, but they’re all growed up in the pic, which means the man of God is also a man of pies. Porkie Pies! Steadman and Fabienne were engaged to be married, but when Steadman moved to America, with Wallace no less, he blew off the engagement, and Fabienne never got over it. What’s more, it looks like the Pastor’s return to Saint Marie doesn’t seem quite as heaven sent, rather he was fleeing America after some kind of scandal.

Well, let’s not put all our eggs in Steadman’s basket, and let’s get derailed by some red herrings. I like herrings, especially red ones. The food colouring really adds some more flavour to the already sumptuous flavour of the herrings. Anyway, Fabienne changed her will so everything’s going to her nephew, Dashel. And turns out Dashel was haemorrhaging money like I’m haemorrhaging haemorrhoids. But Dashel denies killing his aunt because he didn’t

Hey, this episode’s pretty one sided, because we’re back to the pastor. Mooney finds that he and Fabienne grew up in a little village on the other side of the island, but when they hop skip over there, they find the village in a state of disrepair. It’s about to get redeveloped, and the security guard is lonely. The only visitors being Mooney, Florence…oh and Steadman the day before. Wait wha? Steadmanwent back to his old place, maybe to pick something up? Mooney applies for a warrant to search Steadman’s residence, and after some C plot shenanigans that aren’t really worth getting into (although I would like to point out that I wrote in my notes ‘Mooney’s meatballs, handled by Florence’) he gets it. So Mooney in primo ALPHA male mode rides up to Steadman’s place and turns it upside down.

There, he talks to Steadman’s wife, Amelia, who actually doesn’t turn out to be his wife at all. They wear wedding rings but they have separate bedrooms, because Steadman has other leanings. To put it bluntly, Steadman is as gay as a Saturday matinee of Mamma Mia! And he left the States because someone from his congregation saw the man of God with a man of man. I’m talking dicks! The search on Steadman’s abode WRAPS up (I’ve been counting my breaths since I was four, and begging each one to be my last) with Florence finding a sweet WRAPPER. One of the same sweet wrappers that Mooney saw at Fabienne’s house. So Fabienne was at Steadman’s place before the show on the beach? Mighty suspicious. And what’s more, JP finds a plastic bottle of nicotine poison in Steadman’s bin! THE BARBARIAN!!! (That was plastic, it should have gone in the recycling). Mooney arrests the good Pastor.

Back at the station, Dwayne finds that a Wallace Miller (cos that’s Wallace’s surname apparently) never actually went to the States with Steadman, even though Steadman told Fabienne he did? What’s more, Wallace seemed to vanish completely, even from Saint Marie records. Maybe he was killed!! Mooney orders a search of Steadman’s old place on the other side of the island, thinking that Steadman killed Wallace (maybe cos he found out he was gay) and buried him somewhere near his old place. Finding out the place was getting ripped up and built on, and the body would be discovered Steadman came back to Saint Marie, where Fabienne confronted him, and he had to kill her too? Maybes? The dog (Huh? Huh? The dog, right?) finds a body, but the results from the lab say it’s not Wallace. Mooney is at a loss. The one thing he can’t understand is why Fabienne would willing go to Pastor Steadman knowing he was a killer?? And then EPIPHANY!

Let’s get everyone together for the final blowout, and it’s obviously all to do with the Pastor so the other two suspects might as well not be there. But HOLY CHEESY CHESS PIECES!! Fabienne killed herself. She was carrying a capsule of poison in her bag, and had it in her mouth before she took a sip from the cup. Obviously the poison left it’s mark on the cup making it look like it was the cup that was the murder weapon.

But why? Ready for another mindfuck? Because Steadman King is actually Wallace Miller. All those moons ago, Wallace killed Steadman in a lust-filled rage and assumed his identity. Wallace buried Steadman by the old place, and had to come back to move the body. But Fabienne got wind of the fake Steadman. Her eyesight was failing, but she could still tell ‘Steadman’ was Wallace Miller. She confronted him and he told her no one would believe he wasn’t really Steadman. So she planted a bottle of nicotine poison in his bin and decided to frame him for her murder instead.

Dude, that just wrinkled my brain. So Wallace Miller killed Steadman King and then Fabienne died because of that. I think that all adds up to a healthy dose of TAKE HIM AWAY!!!

Well, alls well that ends well…apart from the stuff that obviously doesn’t ends well. Turns out the dog was only contracted for one episode so he’s fucking off now. Dwayne is making amends with his missus because he was ignoring her all episode, and Mooney has a record player now, cos that’s important I guess.

While this definitely wasn’t the most offensive episode ever, it also wasn’t particularly memorable. The sub-plots were incredibly superfluous, and the mystery was very weighted on one side. Two of the three suspects were not explored really at all. While a more focused investigation was kinda interesting, because Steadman/Wallace’s motivations were more fleshed out, it was still just par for the course. Oh well, there’s always next week I guess.


Up next: A person who is living becomes a person who is dead.





Putting the D in the P: Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 3)

Putting the D in the P: Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 3)

Ah, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. There’s snow on the ground, a chill in the air, but you don’t have to leave the house because you have not just one but two great crime shows to watch on BBC One. Does anyone else think of Death in Paradise and Silent Witness as estranged siblings – Death in Paradise is the younger, more foolhardy one, and Silent Witness is the older, more serious one. It’s pretty much only because they’re on at the same time, but it’s almost impossible not to think of the two as linked, at least if you watch both.

Back when I was a blogger in the short pants, I vaguely considered doing a blog series on Silent Witness, just like I do for Death in Paradise. But then the next episode I watched was about sexual violence, and I was like NOPE. Silent Witness is so much more serious than DiP for sure (at least serious enough to not lend itself to my poop and fart joke commentary) but it is also inherently ridiculous in it’s own way.

If you don’t watch Silent Witness, it follows pathology team Nikki, Thomas, Clarrisa and Jack as they get assigned to various cases with various police teams. The cool thing (and sometimes the lame thing, if the story is a dud) is that the story is a two parter, told over two hours. It’s still easy to list off a couple of goofy beats that always get hit though – the pathologists take pictures of a body and notice a clue because they took the pictures of the body, Nikki gets emotionally invested in the case (like a pathologist wouldn’t), the pathologists get unrealistically involved in the case, Jack re-enacts the murder and finds a clue, there is a chase (usually on foot). This can be expanded to a series overall too. There is usually one episode about immigration, there is one episode when one of the pathologists are focused on more than the others, one episode will clearly be the standout amongst the rest, and be where all the budget has gone.

Point being, you can break these things down, just like I do with Death in Paradise. I only do it with Death in Paradise because it’s lighthearted enough to be able to take it . That and I think exposing it for the clockwork carcass of story that it is, somehow makes it more enjoyable.

So let’s see what we’re up against today, shall we? It looks like this one’s about a writer, so that should be fun (writers writing about writers always goes well). And I don’t want to spoil it, but I think I saw something about a banana in an exhaust pipe. (Once again, no official title so I make my own). Let’s start Putting the D in the P!!

Series 7 Episode 3 – The Final Act

We start at the house of a famous thriller writer, Frank O’Toole, who’s throwing a party to celebrate 40 years since his first book was published. It’s a fancy shindig, there’s his wife Valerie, his research assistant Gilly, and he even got Simon Callow to turn up (who apparently hasn’t been in one of these fucking things yet). No, but seriously Callow is his agent, Larry. They all seem to be having a grand old time, until Frank finds they’re out of champagne (and you can’t have a fancy party without champagne) so Frank goes into town to get some more.

The night is going well, and everyone seems pretty pissed, Gilly most of all. The party is a success, and everyone hits the hay. Frank wakes up early in the morning for a swim. He leaves his wife a note, his clothes on a rock and he walks into the sea. Two hours later, everyone else wakes up and there’s a commotion down on the beach. Fisherman are gathered around a body that has been washed up and, would you know it??, it’s Frankie-boy with a fish knife sticking out of his heart. Jeez Louise! SMASH CUT TO TITLES!

At Mooney’s shack, Dwayne gets a rude awakening (because they’re living together now remember, because Mooney inadvertently caused Dwayne’s shack to flood remember, because Mooney woke Dwayne up early in the morning to go to the station remember, and Dwayne left the bath running remember…it was a whole thing) Anyways Dwayne and Mooney get called to the scene of the murder. Mooney confirms that the knife in the heart was probs how Frank died. He learns how Frank went into town to buy champers, but there’s shit tons in the house? Meaning maybe he didn’t go into town to buy champagne? Mooney gives all the suspects a business card, but his last name is mis-spelled. It says Money and not Mooney! (Believe it or not, this is actually super important.)

Dwayne and JP search the house, and it’s time for a DWAYNE AND JP WACKY SUB-PLOT!! TM. Well, kinda anyway. We learn that it’s the festival of love on the island and Dwayne is desperately looking for a date! Anyways, enough about that, JP finds a fax machine and prints off the last fax received. (I’m told fax machines were once used to communicate using paper, I dunno – nuts, right?)

Mooney and Florence interview Gilly (after hearing she got super-smashed last night) and we find out that Gilly went outside after bidding good night to sober up by the beach. There, she heard Frank and Larry arguing about something. The fax JP found should explain that! You see, Frank was about to sign with a new agent! Time to talk to Callow! Now, you may have noticed, this episode is thundering along. I’m not really glossing over much, it’s just super fast. Which is kinda why this episode works so well. There’s no guff. At least, not much.

Anyhoo, Larry says that Frank was definitely past his peak (like me) and Larry couldn’t even find a publisher for Frank’s last novel. He didn’t know that Frank was going to sign with a new agent but he’s not exactly surprised either. Mooney points out that given Frank’s death, the books are going to enjoy some new popularity, and Larry will get his 10%. Meaning we got a super MOTIVE!! But wait, there’s more, JP finds out that the O’Toole’s weren’t exactly rich (like me), in fact far from it. That means the wife Valerie also has a super MOTIVE!!

Dwayne and JP find tire tracks by Frank’s place – tracks that look like a scooter. But no one in the house owns a scooter. And there hasn’t been any deliveries there for a while. So who’s scooting about, hmm? And Mooney and Florence find that Frank’s real name is Frank Toole, not Frank O’Toole. He added the O to sound more Irish, which is something Mooney can really get behind.

I know we’re popping around a lot here, but this thing really moved. Just like the DVDs in my local charity shop where I’m doing community service (because they can’t prove I did it) In fact, I sold so many DVDs, I got promoted to ceramics. Does anybody want a complete set of China Beatles, but Paul’s head has come off. Does anybody want an urn, still being used? Does anyone want a complete set of promotional plates, promoting Charles and Camilla’s wedding, with only a few unidentified food stains? If you want any of these hot items, just email me at JPsBetterWhenWet@aol.net. These things are gonna go quick, (just like me with JP) so make sure you get your emails in.

Back to the episode, and Florence sets up a video chat with Gilly’s fiancee, who left loads of messages on her FB social media page asking where the fuck she’d gone. Well, the jilted fiancee, Dean Shanks (what a name), sheds some light on what’s going down. Gilly abandoned him to swan off to Saint Marie, on like an ‘internship’ with Frank. Gilly’s obsessed with the guy, but she’s not such a hot writer herself (I mean she is hot, just not as hot as Frank). She’s been rejected by 15 publishers so far. And of course, it transpires that Frank and Gilly were having an affair (because duh) and they were even planning to go off to Prague together. But wait, that means wife Valerie could have another super MOTIVE right. Well it looks like she knew about the affair, and it was ever she who suggested the trip to Prague to make Frank become sick of his new mistress. Apparently Gilly’s been getting on Frank and Valerie’s nerves.

Elsewhere, the toxicology results come back, and Frank had paint and varnish under his fingernails. Paint and varnish that would line up with him being on a boat. Mooney sends Dwayne and JP to look for a boat and they find an unmarked one, with some blood on it! The boat belongs to an Otis Falconer, but there’s no record of an Otis Falconer on Saint Marie! Goddammit!

Time for a B plot check-in! As Dwayne gets himself a date for the Festival of Love, he asks if Mooney can give him some space at the shack. However Mooney doesn’t really get the memo, and he inadvertently crashes Dwayne’s date. The woman seems to take a shine to Mooney’s Irish accent, and it seems like Dwayne has been usurped (you like the word usurped? I’ve been trying to expand my voclabulery now I’m doing these bloggers)

Back to the Otis saga, and it seems someone fitting Otis’ description rented a scooter. What’s more, Katherine knows where the guy is staying. Florence, JP and Dwayne go to arrest Otis, while Mooney waits outside eating a banana (you know what’s coming right? Right? RIGHT?) Anyways, Otis does a runner and tries to escape on his scooter. BUT Mooney has stuck a banana in his exhaust pipe!! (this is so dumb I can actually kinda get behind it) But Otis turns out not to be Otis at all, and is in fact Dean Shanks! He was outside the house that night, but don’t know nothing about no boat or no Otis Falconer.

The investigation turns to finding Otis, and there’s a place rented by an Otis on a neighbouring island. The team go visit and find an empty house, with only a laptop that has two contacts – the boat guy, and the house guy. What the fuck is going on? No one knows, except Mooney starts having a seizure epiphany. He knows who killed Frankie boy, and it all has to do with the letter O.

Gathering all the suspects together, Mooney explains what’s going down. You see Otis Falconer never really existed. Otis was Frank. Frank’s real name – Frank Toole – is an anagram of Otis Falconer. Frank was planning to fake his own death, using the boat and the beach house, to get the insurance money. And Valerie knew all about it! They had a super plan together to cash out, and leave everything behind.

Including Gilly. Cos HOT BUFFET LUNCHEONS, it was Gilly who killed Frank, totes for realz. She got wind of the desertion plot and realised that Frank didn’t like her. The trip to Prague was just a smokescreen, and Gilly was going to be left all alone, with her shit novel. Seeing that Gilly never takes rejection well, she went ahead of Frank on his swim and knifed him on the boat, before cleaning up and acting like nothing ever happened. Yeah, okay, that checks out. TAKE HER AWAY!

Ah well, there’s another episode done. And the team relax at the bar, enjoying the last of the Festival of Love. Dwayne isn’t happy though. Mooney’s gone off with his girl. But BROS BEFORE HOES (the farming instrument) because Mooney tells the woman to give Dwayne another chance. So she does. Alls well that ends well. Well apart from…you know the murder and shit.

This episode was a return to form. The last two have been umm, err, sub-par in my opinion. But this episode was tightly plotted, had humour that actually worked (I even laughed a few times) and was overall a pretty decent hour of TV. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing here that’ll blow your nips off, but it’s fun. A nice bit of throwaway fun. Which is exactly what DiP should be. Hopefully next week’s will continue the upward trajectory of this series. See you next week!

NEXT WEEK – Someone gets murdered.

Putting the D in the P – Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 2)

Putting the D in the P – Last Night on Death in Paradise (Series 7 Episode 2)

It’s the second episode of the season and it seems very obvious that things are business as usual on Saint Marie. Remember last season when Humph and the guys went to London for a two-parter. That was awesome, huh? I wrote last week about how it was good that Death in Paradise didn’t change. However, that was before I watched the opener (I write these preludes beforehand, so maybe today’s episodes gonna be awesome!!) and I just kinda was not impressed by it.

I dunno what I was expecting – we’d already had two episodes with Ardol O’Hanlon’s Jack Mooney last season, and apart from some different kind of investigating, it was the same ol’ Death in Paradise. The very same D was being put in (or even thrust into, if you will) the very same P. Last time, I compared Death in Paradise to your grandma’s pot pie, and how you’d be annoyed if she changed the recipe. But, could grandma at least put some fucking salt and pepper on it!

I am a big fan of Death in Paradise – in fact, I was voted the biggest Death in Paradise fan in the world at the award ceremony held at the Travelodge in Milton Keynes. I was awarded a trophy and a glass of juice, after the consumption of which, I woke up at a McDonalds in Florence in nothing but my Death in Paradise branded underwear (Kris Marshall was on the pee flap and you don’t want to know where Ben Miller was). Anyway I got a little off topic – the point is that even a big fan like me is starting to get a little fatigued of grandma’s pot pie. I don’t want her to change the recipe, but I do want some spice.

The writing is the main (and kinda only) thing I think needs some (to a lot of) work. There’s a reason you get loads of fuckers on Twitter thinking they’re funny every new series saying some variation of ‘You’d think people would stop going to Saint-Marie because someone gets murdered every week.’ Yeah, swell tweets guys. No one’s ever thought of that one before.

But hey, it’s a valid thought. Maybe I’m rambling, maybe I’m making sense, maybe James Franco is innocent. But it would be nice to see Death in Paradise lean into the comedy of it’s premise a little more. It’s already incredibly light hearted, and the concept of murder is thrown around like a bean bag at a hippie convention. Last series, I said that Death in Paradise was a daytime TV show placed in a primetime slot. And I’m still behind that statement. Daytime shows can remain the same all they want, but primetime shows…they have to remain relevant, evolve.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just talking out my arse. Let’s have a look and see what we’ve got coming up this week. (As usual, these things don’t have titles, so I just make one up) For the second time this year, let’s get cracking with Putting the D in the P!

Series 7 Episode 2 – House Rules

We’re back on Saint-Marie (because where else would we be?) and it looks like we’re hotting up for a big poker game. There’s chips, cards, and an audience just waiting to see four of the top poler players in the world duke it out for 3 million flippin’ dollars. Organiser Les Doyle (played by Mark Benton, who apparently hasn’t been in one of these fucking things yet…) is buzzing around making sure everything is ready and nothing will interrupt the hottest poker battle EVAR! Dealer Adelaide Scott is ready, the audience is ready so it’s time to get the players.

Number 1 seed Bobby Rodriguez had just made a kale smoothie to chug during the game. Along with a big cigar, I hear those are sublime. Number 2 seed Ray Campbell is a little chavy dipshit. Professor Eugene Sutton is there, and to round out the party is Melanie Devaux (who happens to be Bobby’s wife, which I guess…is fine. Would that be allowed? Seems like poker game would be a perfect time for some collusion.)

Anyways the poker game seems to be going hunky dory, until Bobby starts spluttering and foaming at the mouth (which I’m told isn’t normal during poker) Anyhoo, he flippin’ dies! Someone’s poisoned him! I guess this poker game really was……..HIGH STAKES…..(life is pain) Just smash cut to titles already!

Elsewhere, Florence is out of action. Her leg is in a cast due to her…falling in the sea last episode…(I dunno, just go with it.) Mooney gives her his world famous Mooney Meatballs! (I dunno, just go with it…again) to cheer her up. Florence tries them and thinks they’re awesome. FLORENCE LIKES MOONEY”S MEATB – (No, I’m better than that) Anyways with Florence indisposed, it looks like Dwayne is going to have to step up and be the acting detective! Which should be fine…

Mooney, Dwayne and JP are called to the poker game, where all shit is breaking loose. Turns out, killing a guy isn’t actually a valid strategy in poker. Mooney looks at the body and notices that Rodriguez’s fingers are tinged a funny colour. Mooney doesn’t know shit about poker, but luckily Dwayne seems to be a bit of an expert! Poker Master rules says that the match has to be rescheduled within two weeks – so the 3 mil is still up for grabs, but there’s one less challenger. That’s one fuck of a motive.

Let’s just rattle off some stuff because I haven’t got all day. I need to go and do my Community Service at the charity shop. Manager says I need to sell more DVDs at the charity shop. You want a Lee Evans standup special? You want a DVD with one Call the Midwife Christmas special on. You want Lost Season 1 Part 2 (you don’t need to know what happens in Part 1, trust me). You want any of these DVDs, email me at IWantJPsHoopers@aol.net. Don’t be a stranger, these things are gonna sell fast, fast, fast. Anyway, Dwayne searches Bobby’s bag and finds a pair of sunglasses in a sock. Weird. Mooney learns there was an online blogger in the audience doing a blow-by-blow account of the game. Lame. And when the forensics comes back, it turns out the poison was not in the drink or the cigar, it was on the Ace of Spades! Intriguing. Because how could the killer know the Ace of Spades would end up in Bobby’s hand? Mooney’s on the case however – he soon finds that there’s two Ace of Spadses in play. The murder weapon was an extra slipped in to the deck.

What’s more – there’s a lead! Turns out the chav, Ray Campbell, is actually a super chav. He’s had previous for assault, is super in debt, and had a grudge with Rodriguez, obviously cos of the seeding. The motives are stacking up against ol’ Ray. Next, we find Bobby had been sending threatening emails to Prof. Sutton, when Bobby found out Sutton cheats! He marks the cards with UV and wears special sunglasses (the sunglasses Dwayne found) to see the UV. But let’s not stop there, Adelaide, the dealer, is revealed to be Bobby’s biological daughter! Hot cheese, everyone’s starting to look guilty.

The only one who doesn’t really is Melanie which obviously means she did it. Mooney catches up with her to see if she knew that Adelaide was Bobby’s daughter. She says yes, but Bobby wanted to do a DNA test to make sure.

In a plot point that might just be the most random I have ever seen in DiP (I’ve literally written in my notes ‘random as fuck), the Commish crashes the station to remind Mooney he is giving a lecture to some nurses, about being a London detective, tonight. (Did you not want to establish this at the start of the episode? You know so when it comes up again, it makes sense.) Mooney is too busy with the case however, so Dwayne takes his place. Dwayne is jazzed to meet a bunch of ‘feverish’ nurses, but when he gets there, it’s a room full of old peeps. You see, it’s funny because Dwayne thinks the nurses all going to be young and hot. But they’re old. It’s funny because they’re old. It’s 2018.

Mooney goes to pick up Dwayne the next morning and Dwayne comes out in a towel saying he’s just run a bath. (I literally thought this was going to turn into the fact that Dwayne fucked one of the old nurses anyway but no, he’s actually running a bath). At the station, JP has found out that Rodriguez would take a cab ride to a community centre on the other side of the island frequently. Turns out he was going to AA, mainly because of something that happened in last year’s finals. Turns out, he got super pissed and copped off with some waitress and Melanie saw them together. Ol’ Bobster swore off the drink to save his marriage.

Mooney recreates the poker game at the station, with the team playing the parts of the suspects. That’s when Mooney gets his weekly EPIPHANY!!! He knows who did what and when and where and how, and HOT CHESS, let’s get all the suspects together! You see, Mooney deduced poker is not a game of cards, it’s a game of people that is played with cards (that line is pretty fucking good. I’m not shit-talking but I wouldn’t be surprised if that line came from somewhere else). Anyway, someone’s been telling porkies, and it’s time to settle dis!!

All the suspects are gathered and Mooney…REVEALS HIS HAND…(the only thing I hate more than the world is myself) And HAM CHECKERS!!!!! It’s only the bloomin’ wife, Melanie. You see, she lied when she said Bobby had told her about his daughter, Adelaide. She had no idea, so when she saw Adelaide and Bobby going into a hotel together, she thought he was fucking about again! So she murdered him – but here’s the rub – the poison wasn’t on the Ace of Spades, only the residue. The poison was in fact on the tip of Bob-a-lob’s cigar. So the poison got ingested and any leavings got evaporated! Melanie is distraught that she killed her totes-faithful husband, but you know she did kill him. So TAKE HER AWAY!

Ah, another case wrapped up. But what’s this, Dwayne left the bath running at his place and now it’s super flooded! Looks like he’s going to have to stay with Mooney! There’s no way this can’t go fantastically, right? The team gather at the shack, and play a game of poker which Mooney (despite never having played before) is super good at. Well he is a detective…HAHAHAHA Happy ever after… you know apart from that guy who got killed in the poker game…what was his name again…who remembers…HAHAHA

See you next week, fuckers!!

Next week: A story that starts with a murder and ends with a murder being solved.